Hell in High Heels

You only see the beauty, never the pain

Mania, by any other name — 2018/02/28

Mania, by any other name

At this point, I can’t process what I’m praying for. I suppose it might be peace, but this feeling of euphoria is so life changing that it’s keeping me on the edge of my seat. All else fades away as I gain more “control”. I’m on the edge of my seat, like I could break windows. I feel like all my decisons will be the right ones. I feel like I cannot fail. I feel. Oh god, do I feel. These nights are simultaneously the best and worst of my life. They are the best because of the feeling of power endued by my raging emotions. The manic highs lead me to feel like I could steal an organ, or that a bolt of electricity would be good for my blood stream. It leads me to complex calculations; it leads me to introspection, most often shared with someone not quite ready for it
No worries puppet, this mood will be around all night. I’ll be up making rash decisions til the cows come home. There must be more than this. There must be more than this. It’s become my demand, my ever earnest prayer. Like the little girl who prayed so ferverently for health or happiness, I am a little girl, curled up in a ball, who’s just waiting for someone to come to me. Someone to listen, who can maybe TRY to understand what’s going on in these crazy times.
Self Preservation — 2018/02/25

Self Preservation

Self preservation is something we learn when we are quite young. We are taught that above all else, we protect our skin. Maybe we will find someone to go to bat for us when the times get tough, but if not we are taught to have our own backs, as things get dicey from time to time. We are educated with the knowledge that we ourselves know us best, that no one can walk in and pretend to know our desires.

It’s just not fair — 2018/02/07

It’s just not fair

You didn’t seem to grasp that it’s a public place. That I was socializing, which is imperative for my diagnosis. Which I LOATHE doing. This house is not my place of rest, so by saying that I came into your TV room to talk, you effectively shut me down for the night. I will not fight to be heard. Unless it’s about my mental health or otherwise important. But if some fat ass woman wants to make a stink about me interrupting her TV time, when who knows I could’ve been suicidal, then so be it. This is nuts and I’m over it. Today was a decent day, had a couple crappy moments here and there, but overall was productive.

One of the hardest decisions you’ll face in life is whether to walk away or try harder.

~z. Abdelnour

Serious no brainer — 2018/01/30

Serious no brainer

If a person either blocks you or ignores you they should also be blocked or ignored respectively.

My logic for this is not one of pettiness, rather one of self preservation. It leaves you looking less the part of the wondering lass or lad and gives you your power back. 

More power to you.


Puffs of smoke — 2018/01/19

Puffs of smoke

You never know when things will change without hope of coming back to Baseline. 

– A new diagnosis when the thought of one is too much to handle.

– Threat of divorce marriage you swore would last forever.

Life-altering events can rarely be singularly tied to certain behavior. Wouldn’t that be swell a book with codes in it for every situation and reciprocal emotion.

However when things change there are rarely puffs of smoke to signal that the change has occurred.

Blog post — 2017/11/29
No period — 2017/11/17

No period

Hello puppets. So I just spends the last week of my life in a psych ward. I managed to learn a lot about myself, a lot about other people and how it all comes together. It was not easy to decide to go in. It was not easy to get to where I needed to be in order to go in. I reach the point of desperation. I reach the point of the end of myself. But that is where I found myself.

I’ve made a choice to stop being untrue to myself, and rather live every moment as if it was to be my last. I came scary close to dying and that is simply not where I want my story to end. My life has no period, only commas along the way. 

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