Depression and mania: the wild ride

It’s a strange thing to have depression. That’s it, no funky causality between the color of the shirt of the guy at subway or anything. You feel heavy all the time. Like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You may have days where the weight is lifted. 

My good says are good. But on my bad days I work extra hard to make sure no one notices I’m struggling. On the bad days I am 68% more likely to go the extra mile painting my nails and making myself pretty just to try to feel alive.

“The ruin of me will be the birth of me and all that was chaos won’t have been in vain”

That’s what makes depression or in my case, manic depression, so dangerous. There are days I don’t want to eat. Or go outside. Or talk to people.

 There are days when I consider things that scare myself on the other days. This is the crazy part, I can hide all those parts of me away for the most part so the less able of the generations don’t have to deal with it. 

There are days when my self talk is all positive and upbeat, then the next hour I’m telling myself how stupid, weak and inferior I am because I can’t climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

“Stay out of your goddamn head”

This life spans the gap between one thing to the next, and I’m working to relearn self love. It’ll take time, but it’ll work out. Eventually.

“Being able to survive this pain doesn’t ever mean it was okay. “

Safety

When you become comfy being alone, you give yourself a chance to truly shine. You can be best seen when not in someone else’s shadow. You shine brilliantly, and deserve to be recognized for all you are. 

Being alone is not the end, darling. Nay, tis but the beginning. Being alone gives you the chance to realize that you are enough. Give yourself time. Realize there will be mistakes made, but better to make them while discovering how wonderful you are, then at any other time.

Two halves can’t make a whole. You don’t want to drag someone down with your shtuff. It will hurt, you will ugly cry more times than you can count, but you will heal. Say it with me. I. Can. Heal. You deserve to be wholly awesome by yourself.

Find your safety in yourself and then you might build with someone else. 

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A review of the past few days the horror that was said by both sides reveals that there is a fundamental flaw in the pivotal construct of the relationship.

 

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So o just thought you should know I’m taking steps to become a better person. I have not been remotely promiscuous with anyone since you were with me. I think we became toxic for each other, maybe we always were. I’m getting help with my “emotional issues” to see that I can handle anything that comes at me. I have confidence in myself and my ability to handle life in general. 

In fact it’s so simple…

Level headed woman

You tell me all the time to level with you. You want me to be more transparent. 

So here that goes. I’m in so much pain right now yet I’m trying to smile like it’s not bothering me and all that because I hold to the addage that someone has it worse. I know that my heart may be shattered but it has been shattered before and I’ve been fine. I’ll use this time to recreate myself into who I want to be. 

I’ll use these solo days to remind myself of the things I used to know, like I am good enough. In my weakness and imperfection I knock the socks off of who I was supposed to be. I will hold onto that and take comfort that the lonely nights can’t last forever.

I don’t want to be a statistic. I know people make promises I should know not to trust them. But I fucked up. 

Mission from henceforth will be to become solo Sara. Wholly complete and happy 

Stories old as time

When someone accuses you of being abusive there are certain steps to take.
First evaluate your physical and emotional foot prints to ensure you are not in the wrong. You physical foot print should be only slightly bigger than your actual body. The emotional foot prints may be quite large but should never be at the expense of someone else. 

Second ponder if it’s you in the wrong or if the accuser has issues of their own. 

Third give the accuser space. Give them time out of your world to see if that’s what they actually desire. 

Not everyone can handle you and that’s okay. 

Reasons why this went south

1. You have animals that I can't be around.
2. You are a smoker. I'm an asthmatic. They don't mix.
3. You wanted me to be better than I was, not accepting who I currently am.
4. The rapidity with which you chose to meet me and get engaged proved that you don't know what you want.
5. You can't handle the fact that I may or may not have a mental illness.
6. You say I'm The one that lacks patience. But you practically fled for the hills as soon as stuff got difficult.
7. Why say all that lovey stuff to a stranger then bail out when things get tough
8. You supported me through a difficult time yet bring it up constantly almost on the daily. That's not fair.
9. You have a really super close relationship with your family. I think this is your way to get over the fact that people prejudge you because you're obese. But clinging to your little sister is uncomfortable.
10. You can't accept that you're unhealthy and a whole bunch overweight.
11. The fact that you walked out on me when I needed you most and was sick in bed, is abhorrent.

To be continued I'm sure