Her.

Her nail is polish is chipped. A sign to the inner turmoil she’s experienced.

Her music is loud. If it’s loud enough to bother someone else, may it be loud enough to make her feel.

Her clothes are grunge nation. She hopes that someone brings up the skulls and cross bones. Something to acknowledge that she is seen.

Her writing is a sloppy mess. Her thoughts come fragmented and incoherence reigns.

Her hair is hidden under a bandana, a signal that she can’t deal with this stuff more than anything.

Her…

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Realizations

So I just realized that I’m told exactly no one about my big news. I’m told no one that I’m back with Peter, the love of my life. Now this is only an issue when you one considers the ramifications of not telling someone anyone my news. The fact that he put a ring on my hand, after huge fight means that maybe he won’t walk out but then there’s always taking the ring back because we know that one pretty well.

So now it’s a test of time, I think he’s talking like a big long engagement. So we will see. We will see how much hurt we can take as human beings, before we call it quits, albeit semi permanently. 

I guess I’ve officially told someone now. My only hope is that you don’t balk at the news.

I wish I could say I want you back. I wish I could say that I was sorry for things I done. I wish I could say one last time to hear you say that you love me. That’s what I miss the most I think is your voice telling me things I know but need reassured of. I miss our communication how we used to just talk about nothing and everything, we had plans. But as per usual they were smashed into dust when we had a fight. We  will both grow from this, into bigger and better people. But together we could have done so much more and that is what makes me sad.

I’m a strong believer that whoever is meant to be in your life will gravitate back towards you regardless how far they wander.

What it feels like

There’s a song that says this is what it feels like to lose control. This is what it feels like to be left alone. I figured out that it doesn’t matter what it feels like it matters what you do with that feeling. So if you can handle the feeling alone or losing control then you’re in the winning circle. It’s all about maintaining control in the midst of Chaos. It’s like when your family tells you can’t go somewhere because your ex will be there. It’s the Heartbreak and anguish that you feel having him be choosing over you.

This is what it feels like to lose control should be left alone this is what it feels like in the end.

Depression and mania: the wild ride

It’s a strange thing to have depression. That’s it, no funky causality between the color of the shirt of the guy at subway or anything. You feel heavy all the time. Like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You may have days where the weight is lifted.

My good says are good. But on my bad days I work extra hard to make sure no one notices I’m struggling. On the bad days I am 68% more likely to go the extra mile painting my nails and making myself pretty just to try to feel alive.

“The ruin of me will be the birth of me and all that was chaos won’t have been in vain”

That’s what makes depression or in my case, manic depression, so dangerous. There are days I don’t want to eat. Or go outside. Or talk to people.

There are days when I consider things that scare myself on the other days. This is the crazy part, I can hide all those parts of me away for the most part so the less able of the generations don’t have to deal with it.

There are days when my self talk is all positive and upbeat, then the next hour I’m telling myself how stupid, weak and inferior I am because I can’t climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

“Stay out of your goddamn head”

This life spans the gap between one thing to the next, and I’m working to relearn self love. It’ll take time, but it’ll work out. Eventually.

“Being able to survive this pain doesn’t ever mean it was okay. ”

Safety 

When you become comfy being alone, you give yourself a chance to truly shine. You can be best seen when not in someone else’s shadow. You shine brilliantly, and deserve to be recognized for all you are. 

Being alone is not the end, darling. Nay, tis but the beginning. Being alone gives you the chance to realize that you are enough. Give yourself time. Realize there will be mistakes made, but better to make them while discovering how wonderful you are, then at any other time.

Two halves can’t make a whole. You don’t want to drag someone down with your shtuff. It will hurt, you will ugly cry more times than you can count, but you will heal. Say it with me. I. Can. Heal. You deserve to be wholly awesome by yourself.

Find your safety in yourself and then you might build with someone else.