Hell in High Heels

You only see the beauty, never the pain

I just want to believe… — 2011/05/26

I just want to believe…

So things actually went well at CVC. I scheduled another appointment for next week. A whole bunch of uncomfortable topics were covered but maybe I can arrange it so that I can get my records transferred from VSC. That would help me not have to rehash the crap, ya know? I’m also reading these really great books, It Happened To Me, by Wm Lee Carter. and The Mindfullness and Anxiety Workbook for Anxiety. I am hopeful that these resources, combined with the therapy will help me get back to who I used to be. In order to become a butterfly one must fiercely desire to fly and be willing to give up being a caterpillar. Change is key. This is my goal. complete change of my persona, I don’t like who I am, and that’s not fair, so I should become someone I like, Thereby enabling myself to like others and ot engage them on a wholehearted basis..

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the heart of the operation — 2011/05/23

the heart of the operation

I’m nervous about tomorrow. I’m scared that this meeting will open old wounds and bring up old hurts and keep me awake at night. I’m doing this because I need closure. I need to know that I’m doing everything I can to get what I can to finish this once and for all. I need to get everything I deserve. I want to know that this is what is best for me and for the people I love. I want to find out what makes me tick and what makes my heart break, again. I want to rediscover me. I need this, to know people again.

drama vs reality vs our relationship — 2011/05/22

drama vs reality vs our relationship

i really just want you to realize that I am my own person, I want the hostility to stop. We’re basically on the same side here. I want the same thing as you do. I just am going about it a different way. I can’t be expected to comply with your wishes as I am not twelve anymore, am married and am stubborn. I thought this would get better now that you have the kids to take care of. I’m my own person, that goes pretty much without saying, I should think.

I want to recover at my own rate, but to do that I NEED THE DRAMA TO KNOCK OFF.

Need to breathe, baby! —

Need to breathe, baby!

If you honestly believed in me you would not have called me and told me about the way you think I should run my life. I believe that I should be allowed to make my own decisions. Mishael was doing this from the time she was 16, SIXTEEN. You had no input in her food, boys, or school. I know the situation was a little more secure in that, but now I have Logan, who is completely trustworthy. I got married with your complete trust and acceptance and you need to give me some space to spread my wings.

Logan helps me to moderate the people I interact with, the classes I take. In fact we talked at length before I even made the decision to change majors. We did a cost benefit analysis (deciding if the benefits were bigger than the costs, and if they were I wouldn’t have done it), and like Daddy said I have a lot of experience in lab work, so it makes sense that I would want to go into something lab related. This is why I decided to go with the scientific major.

Logan and I discussed:
• Intense amount of work
• New people
• Other physical stressors

In everything I NEVER thought about needing to consult you and Daddy, because I’m an adult. I got married and I’ve been living on my own for almost three years. I work in a graduate research lab in a very competitive program. I work with smart people every day, adult people. I handle my own projects in the lab. I can cook by myself, I can keep a house clean. I was told all my life that I would be able to do things on my own, or the other side that I wouldn’t be able to do that. So when I finally made up my mind and my husband and I were on our own I thought it best to make our own decisions.

I believe that you are afraid. You are afraid to let me live. You are afraid that I will forget what I have come from, who raised me or whatever. But you are killing me. I can’t believe you though. If you don’t stop we will be driven so far apart our relationship will be mutilated beyond confusion. There will be no fixing it and you will have lost your youngest daughter because you have your head up your ass. You really think you are trying to free me up and all you are doing is cramping me, tying my hands behind my back to the point that I can’t move without stepping on toes and hurting your feelings. You have been trying to make me feel empowered to say that you are better than your mom, when actually all that you are doing is tearing me down and doing the exact same types of stuff your mom did to you.

How do you not realize that what you are doing makes me feel victimized like three years ago. I feel like a child again. I was regressing before all of this. You always claimed to be a huge supporter of my recovery.

We can’t talk on the phone without it ending badly. I just don’t understand how that is supposed to make me feel. It certainly doesn’t make me desire to be around you. It makes me want to be with my husband and pull away from you.

Justice — 2011/05/08

Justice

Nope, Not the kids store, I mean real down to the core justice. I want to rub your face in want happened and make sure youknow what youhave done to my life. That experience altered every move I make, it makes me question every new relationship I engage in and that pisses me off. I don’t know if you consider this, getting off easy as you did.

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