Hell in High Heels

You only see the beauty, never the pain

genius — 2011/06/29

genius

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Made for another World — 2011/06/25

Made for another World

Given time I believe that anyone could go insane. I have been given time.  I went through hell and thought I was doing well, I got some help, I figured I would get through it on my own, so to say. But three years later and now I’m lashing out at my friends, I’m starting to think badly about my self, and I’m starting to want to run away from everything. Things couldn’t be going better, yet I’m having panic attacks at work and I’m freaking out all the time on people I love with all my heart. After I do this, these people have no idea what to say or do. They don’t know how to act around me. It’s just not fair anymore. I really think I’m losing it.  There’s this story I heard about this horse who was “flighty”. Someone tried to ride him and ended up getting seriously hurt. They never had the chance to bond. The moral of the story: If there’s a flighty portion of your life you’ll never have the chance to bond fully with it.

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world. “

Letter to the wind — 2011/06/09

Letter to the wind

Dear me.
You’ve been through hell fire and brimstone, that much is true. Thing is, you feel like you can’t trust people, you can’t work through a full day without breaking down and going “insane” and needing to take medicine. What people (and by people I mean you) need to realize is that you need time to heal. If you can’t do this, you’ll never get to your dreams.
You need to make an effort to
• practice mindfulness
• find good quotes and write them down
• read a good book
• breathe
• do a random act of kindness
• drink caffeine
• laugh
• look at adorable pictures of cute animals

Be specific in any goal that you set. This will enable you to feel accomplished in your life and also allow you to attain your goals easier. When you see a chance to act on your goals, go for it, because time is short. Go ahead and make plans, and stick to them. Focus on the healing, not on the fact that you are still broken. It is the only way things will get better. Use deep breathing as a common solution to the common problems in life. Fix alls if you will. Don’t make reaching success harder than it needs to be, you know your limits. Respect them and walk away from a situation if it becomes too overwhelming for you.

When it all became real — 2011/06/06

When it all became real

When I went to the youth gathering that night, I never expected that anything out of the ordinary would occur. Is there something that could alert a person that they would be hurt? The night was supposed to be average, I got a ride to the leader’s house, where there was a campfire, a large group of us gathered and had s’mores and we talked late into the night about random stuff relating to things going on in our lives. You never once gave any indication that I had anything to fear from you. Instead you just stayed in the background and inserted phrases at random.

I had known you for some time, you were a leader at this group, and I truly believed you could be trusted. When you offered a ride home, I hardly hesitated, and I wanted to believe that you wouldn’t hurt a friend. That’s what I was, a kid who trusted you, a friend. When you said you needed to stop at your house to let your dog out, I didn’t think twice, and when you offered me a drink, I believed you were being nice, and I was trying to fit in. I never thought you would hurt someone like me. I was a kid, someone who trusted you, you who was supposed to protect me. When I started to get groggy, I had no clue what was going on, and you told me what ot do, and I trusted you. You broke that trust, by ripping up what I was and replacing it with a new version of who you believed I should have been.

When I tried to tell people around me what happened, our mutual friends didn’t believe me because you were a leader. They suggested that I had blown the ordeal out of proportion, or gave me a wide birth after the incident and would rather hang out with you. Do you replay it in your head like I do mine. I can’t go a day without thinking about what happened. I moved out of the area after the trial, and you got let off. I figured maybe moving away would allow me to forget about the incident, make new friends, and move on with my life. It actually started to work too, and then I regressed for some weird reason.

I was seventeen years old and I believed you would

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