Hell in High Heels

You only see the beauty, never the pain

Thinking back — 2011/11/28

Thinking back


I couldn’t sleep last night, I was lost in thoughts of the times we used to spend at the park, at Longacres, and at Zerns. I realized what an empty hole there is now. I know I need to move on, I know this isn’t healthy, but part of me just wants to feel this ache in my soul. I want to remember the way you made me feel as a kid. Yesterday, at the thanksgiving dinner, I started thnking about jumping off your porch into your arms. I remembered how freeing that made me feel, total trust.  These are the things I miss about our relationship. The things I need to find elsewhere. I know Grief takes time and whatnot… but it still stinks.

“and I miss you, and I wish you were here.”

Potpourri —


So I made some potppourri the other day. Logan had given me roses a few weeks ago and given how much I hate throwing things away I let them sit on the desk for  ~3 weeks until they looked like they were going to fall apart if the slightest breeze hit them. I wasn’t quite sure where to start, so I went with my gut. I snipped the rose buds off the stems and grabbed two pretty bowls. I hair sprayed the roses and arranged them in the bowls and then set the bowls around the house. Now the roses look like I bought them specifically for this purpose, which is awesome. I guess the purpose of this rant is to tell you to trust yourself.

Ode to reality — 2011/11/26

Ode to reality

She goes to pick up the phone to call you before she remembers that it was you who yelled at her about not picking up her phone in the first place. Someone who loves someone else does not do that. You would know that if you had any common sense. IF you wanted her in your life you would have the decency to give half a shot at this relationship. But you’re just a slacker who is more than content to let the girl do all the work. While you sit in wonder and just let everyone around you do all the work. She has to lie to your elderly father to save face. It is not fair to expect others to do these things for you. Liven up a bit please.

It was youwho promised the little girl you’d take her out for ice cream and never showed up. You said you’d take her to the movies, to get a doll, she’d watch the clock for hours, she’d hear the cars pass outside and run to the window, just to be crushed. Later she stopped caring. Then youdid this again. You said that youwould come around for a holiday and you never showed up. Whatever gave you that right, to open up a wound that deep and close to her heart?

Thanksgiving —


Growing up I was actually passionate about thanksgiving. I was taught that it was a time to be thankful for what we’d been given, for the food we had, for our lives and whatnot. What I came to realize is that thanksgiving is not the time to be thankful. Not when your heart is breaking. You need to be open with the world. Also, you need to be passionate about each day, for you never know when it will be your last. You should kiss your loved ones every time you see them. If you fall down, get back up, brush off your pants, and keep trucking.

seeing the light through the booze — 2011/11/06

seeing the light through the booze

She knew he wasn’t trustworthy. but when he said he would show up, she thought maybe he would come through. She could hear the booze on his voice, but what the heck, it had happened before, and people can function through drunken stupours, right? But half way through the day, she picks up the phone, dialed his number and finally asked him that question, basically knowing hte answer before he spoke the words. Knowing he was born to disappoint her, knowing it was going to happen didn’t soften the blow. Knowing she needs to move on doesn’t help, finally turning to others, she is at her rope’s end. She tells them what is going on, tells them her heart is breaking, her life is falling apart, she is giving up on her dreams because of what happened, the control he has over her.

It’s not fair how often this happens, how she doesn’t see the light, the good things in her life. All the good things, just aren’t enough to make this person happy,

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