Dance baby Dance

Dear you,

I wanted you to hear it from me. You are worth more than you can imagine. You are worth more than anyone can ever tell you. You are loved more than life. People give you praise when you walk away, those are the whispers you hear. You really shouldn’t be anxious you are passionate about the people you love. When the people know of your love, they will reciprocate and protect the love you give. In your life, you are passionate about your work. In everything you do you are destined for success.

You dance on the broken glass of the beakers that shattered. You dance if you’ve torn the bandages off, even prematurely. You taught yourself to dance in the middle of fights.  You have dancing in your blood. Loving yourself through the bad times, rejoicing through the good. Embracing everyone for who they are.

The Pudding

“I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down” (Lifehouse, Storm)

Christmas unleashes all kinds of crap pudding in everyone. We all wear masks of being comfortable in weird settings with people we only talk to a few times a year. But for me, it gets me going on many different levels,  I just wish I could pack myself and my hubby up during the fakehappy season of lights and go someplace where no one knows me.

Like for instance this Christmas, the family needed you, you said you’d be there. I didn’t talk to you, cuz you’re a lying SOB, but you told the rest of them you’d be there, and you lied to them. Who does that.? People who deserve to be outcasts. But maybe that’s what you want from us, you want us to push you away, so you’d be justified in what you’ve done this far in your own life. This is why I hate Christmas. Having to put on the happy face, pretending like I’m not missing people, wishing people were or weren’t there.

“Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface” (Lifehouse, Storm)

It gets melodic in the end. People go this way and that way, I act how I always do, they have no clue at the hell that rages on inside me. Melodically pursuing the normalcy that everyone else seems to be experiencing, while inside knowing that everyonw else thinks that im that normal person they are trying to be. People are frail.  They don’t know how frail others are either.

“And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself”  (Florence and the Machine Shake it out)

I’m super duper good at keeping my weakness hidden from others to the point that when my friends ask me how I am, I don’t trust them enough to tell them I’m sad, and my husband even has to pry the truth out of me. I just got used to going life on my own. If you only trust yourself, then you can’t be let down as readily. But when you’re married, you have to learn to trust, life becomes a two person job.  You’re supposed to share everything with the other person, something I struggle with because; I have a lot of troubles. So life has become a learning process.

“I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn” (Florence and the Machine Shake it out)

When you have good friends or someone to talk to in your life, it doesn’t have to get dark. Or at least you can have people with you in those hours. To tell you that they’ll be with you and that you’re safe.

The epitome of me

I want to learn how to keep my past in the ground. I want to bury bad memories like feet in the sand. I want to make the kids stop crying. But the first step is to make my own pain stop. I wish I could be more decisive. People see me as this strong person and I am just as screwed up as they are, and it is awesome. I want someone to give me the answer as much as the next person wants the answers. I have no clue what to do with this situation, how to handle it. I’m lost in this raging sea, whether to go left or right, i dunno. I feel like it’s a lose-lose. But i can only take  step and hope for the best.

“I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn”