Hell in High Heels

You only see the beauty, never the pain

From low to High — 2013/10/25

From low to High

It anguishes me to tell you this. But I miss you. Or I miss who you used to be. I can’t talk to you like we used to. It’s not me, it’s you. I suppose it’s always been you, but not in the good way. I just couldn’t see it before. Now it is clear as day that you really only want me when it is convenient, when you are bored, or need something to occupy your time. You have no time for me on a daily basis even though I would literally drop it all for you in a second.  I deserve better than that, or so I’m learning. It might take time, but I’ll stop looking for you in the little things I do, stop looking for your shadows when I go for runs, and waiting for you to call.

I’m truly getting stronger on my own. I’m my own person, you taught me that much. I don’t need to be abused. Thanks for that. Now that this has transitioned into a take::take relationship, I have to say goodbye and just take time for me, since that’s what is best for me and those who rely on me.  I know there might always be a part of me that’s waiting to hear from you, hoping for that call to say that you want me back again, but maybe I’ll be stronger and able to tell you to shove it once and for all. It’s what I truly want and need to do. It’s like they say with little kids, if they burn their hands on the stove they learn the stove is hot. I’m like the stove only I was turned way down. Guess what, pain turned up my heat to HIGH. if you touch me now you’ll burn your hands, maybe you’ll learn.

Best of luck.

Present Tense — 2013/10/06

Present Tense

I could regret my past. The people I left behind. But honestly I don’t though. I’ll sometimes give you a sideways glance and wonder if you think about me. Other than that, I’m doing really well, I’ve changed my priorities, and I’m doing so well with it all. I know what I want from life and they are things that you might have said were not possible. I know that and I’m moving on.

I know that I’m better for moving on and I know that I don’t have to wait up at night wondering if you’ll call. That gives me the freedom to live my life

I want everyone to experience this peace. The knowledge that they are their own source of everything they need. What people provide them is nothing compared to what they provide themselves.

That is the best thing about the experience I had when I was 17, and the resulting mistrust of people it placed in my heart. It taught me that only I can provide for myself and be the center of my emotional well-being. While I would never wish for someone to experience that trauma, I wish for everyone to reach the end of their reliance on others, so that they can rely fully on themselves to provide for their emotional needs.

Today I’ll leave you with this quote to sum up what I’ve talked about today.

“With forgiveness, your victim identity dissolves, and your true power emerges – the power of presence. Instead of blaming the darkness you bring in the light.“ Eckhart Tolle


Right mind — 2013/10/05

Right mind

When a fighter goes out there their whole intention is to win, no exceptions to that rule. No fighter in his right mind fights or grapples with the will to get tapped, or to have his butt kicked by his opponent. He wants his opponent to know he is the biggest, scariest thing since Renzo Gracie hit the circuit. This requires an immense amount of self confidence, which may require a bit of bluffing if he doesn’t feel this surge of confidence, he must put on his scary face til that bell sounds.





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