When I try to pretend it doesn’t hurt, the pain comes back like a tidal wave. The emotions become vivid, livid little monsters under my bed that nibble my toes when I sit down to put on my shoes. I could pretend that the pain wasn’t realistic, that my methods were working to get over it, but it seems more like these holiday seasons just serve to remind me that you will never come back. Not that it was your choice to leave, you had to leave, and it was your time. I get it in my head, but goddam my heart wants to kick out the windows and tear up the carpets about it. It seems like the entire family just fell apart since you left, and now I’ve become a recluse as well. It is easier that way. With no one to bring us together, why bother acting happy, or trying to feign a smile when I really want to scream inside. The pills have been beckoning more lately, but I don’t want to follow into those steps.

I know I will be stronger in the end, as with anything, but this really really sucks right now, and I needed you , you were always there, I just wanted to write and tell you that I missed you. 

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