No explanation

There is no way to adequately describe how invested I’ve become to the success of this new endeavor. I want you to see how invested I’ve become. This is new for me, but I’m loving this new feeling of waking up with a mission on my mind, that of helping you see my investment, to see how incredibly devoted I can be. I am determined to prove the nay-sayers incorrect. Those who believe I am incapable of being close with someone again will fall short in their prediction.

I want to show you how intensely I believe that this is worth it. All the pain, failure, and heartache has brought us to a time such as now. This tango of life will twirl us around and make us dizzy if we don’t close our eyes sometimes. So we dance on, entangled in each other’s arms, our eyes tightly closed to the world spinning around us. Just for a minute, we lose ourselves in the intensity of the feels emanating between us.

In a few words, I love you more each day and I strive to prove the fact with everything I do.

today

today did not go according to my plans. I always want to be “calm cool and collected” or at least appear that way. However since started this new quest, i feel like a fish out of water, and i must admit, i look like one too. I know sucking is the first step to getting better, and that everyone was where i am now, but sucking still sucks. Changing arts is a crazy thing to do and out of necessity i am learning a new way of life. I know the fish out of water feeling will get better with time, but today I honestly felt useless. It’s not for lack of trying, I want to make people proud. I simply dont feel like i will match up to expectations.

Only Hope

Today I came to see you for the first time in 3-4 months. When I got to your house, I felt as though this was any old thing. The house is the same, apart from the kids destroying it. D was really the first one to take interest in my life, asking good questions and letting me talk about my goals and such. I didn’t feel as defensive when I was talking to him, whereas when we started talking I automatically felt like I had to defend everything I was saying.  I felt the need to justify everything I’ve done. It might be because you are still siding with L on important matters, when you are MY FAMILY. It might be because you have no desire to meet P, or it may be because we fell out of touch when you accused me of stealing from you.  The thing that nags me is you only had me over today because you NEEDED SOMETHING FROM me. That’s not right, it’s called using people. When you only address people when you need them, you USE those people. Emotionally tearing them up, it would be better to just leave them alone.

My only hope is to remember what Jessica Katoff said: “But I promise you these storms are only trying to wash you clean.” and hope that you (M and D) will come around. In time maybe you will accept that I’m moving on, and you will join me in my endeavors.

This is my life and I’m going to live like my story will be told for years to come