Hell in High Heels

You only see the beauty, never the pain

Then that happens — 2016/10/21

Then that happens

Well then that happens. You leave your house to go meet someone new, you think it won’t amount to much, so you take your head with you. You don’t take your phone charger cuz in your mind you’ll be right back to the house. But then a day goes by, then two, and you’re enthralled with this person. Your phone died last night and you were lucky he has a similar phone. You don’t want to come on too strong but it seems like magic between you, and it must be real cuz half the shit on the profile he read and liked was kind of fake. He won your heart when he took you to TWO, not one, TWO local wineries. 

 And when he gets jealous of your ex, you think it is so super cute you just can’t. Given the data you’ve acquired, he’s not ever going to label the magic between you. You wish there was a “magic” setting in the relationship status. You remember that time when you thought you had the world but that BOY left you and got married. A real man would’ve stuck with you, would’ve committed to you alone. When you think you have the world, to have it snatched away at the last second, it breaks you. You are brave for continuing to live, with enthusiasm. 

Maybe this is your second (34th) chance. Your chance to explore new scenarios with someone who has seen life and knows it’s wacked out, but someone who accepts it for the wack that it is, and embraces new situations. He heard you worked in a bioengineering lab and immediately proposed science experiments, to wit you feel a connection, like an adventure is brewing. He knows about the surgeries and shit that has happened, doesn’t seem phased by it. Apparently he hadn’t known about the divorce… oops. That’s the kind of thing you don’t really emphasize anyway.

Simple definition — 2016/10/15

Simple definition

I have a very simple definition, for everyone questioning the definition of “sexual assault”. If it makes you feel a certain type of way while you are doing it, it would be sexual assault. It doesn’t matter if it is comments, or if you are “groping her”, if it makes you feel that way, or even ask that question, it’s a good view that it shouldn’t happen.

Sexual assault isn’t strictly touching, penetrating or flirting. There is physical and verbal, the lines between types are grey on a good day. Best advice, if it make you feel uncomfortable, don’t do or say it.

It’s not rocket science, it’s called common decency. Every human deserves to be respected and if I constantly ask uncomfortable questions, I am the one who needs to shape up.


A Survivor of Sexual Assault


I want someone… — 2016/10/11

I want someone…

I want someone to be really romantically creepy with me. Like stalk me outside my bedroom window creepy. I want them to pursue me beyond a shadow of a doubt. To the point where observers say “they are infatuated with her”.  My dream is like the movie, where someone stands outside my window with a boombox and note cards because they know that winning my heart is no easy task. It will take emotional fortitude and willingness to get shot down, at least a few times. In my pursuit of a new happiness, I will play hard to get as often as I need to, in order to get the point across that I’m not game with being played.

That’s not too much to ask, right? Having goals and dreams keeps life real, right? Setting the standards high will dissuade others from playing around with your heart.

My goals have changed once again, but that’s okay. Change is the ONLY constant in life. Those who promise to stay with you through hard times, will invariably leave. It’s the nature of the beast, everyone leaves. You have to learn to adjust to the tune that’s being played by life so you can stay in the driver’s seat and maintain control.

It’s truly up to you.

So in order to find this magical person, I’m going to change myself into what I would want to see, pursuing me. I will change myself so much that you won’t recognize me walking down the street. Change myself so much that when you come back, you don’t recognize the person I transformed into. A caterpillar has to turn to mush before transforming into a butterfly. So I’ll just break myself down and build myself back up.

feelings — 2016/10/05
Think before you answer — 2016/10/03

Think before you answer

Not that you’ll actually answer

You said you just don’t know…

I don’t know what you don’t know but I’m sure its nothing compared to things going on in my lonely head. I need to know I’m important and yes, that may mean adjusting things you do to meet my needs. I just want to know that I matter to you. The best way of doing that is by keeping in touch with me. We can assume that you will not be living with me anytime soon because you are happy where you are. So Given the fact that you don’t know what you want, but you can recognize that we were both happier when living together… what does that tell you may need to happen for the needless fights to stop?

What do you need from me in order to make it that way. I told you what I need from you and it’s too much…

Maybe it’s a sign, what do you think?

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