You want to put your hands in your pockets and pretend like they aren’t shaking. You want to be everything for everyone, as it always has been. But then on a whim, you run off with a guy, he sees through your bullshit walls and calls you out on your shit. You begin to think that this could be your new forever, and you forget some of the shit that’s happened to you. You feel like this could be a new start for you. But then the person begins to say things like “I think you need medication” “I think you are mentally ill”, and you see that maybe this person isn’t as golden as you believed. You are a strong person, but in two weeks this person has made you into someone who struggles to breathe on their own. They want you to be dependent on them, while professing how happy they are with your relationship as it is. When they begin to knock you around, calling it a “passionate display of affection” warning bells go off in your head. But you mute them, because you can’t trust your own brain, right? You lean into the abuse, feeling like this is the best it gets, and you wait for the pain to pass. You know it will, it’s just about outlasting the pain. Given the choice between this type of life and the one you had, lately you’ve been thinking about how much better your life was, but given your present circumstance, anything is better.
So put your hands in your pockets, if you need to collect yourself. Know that your storm will pass, and you will always have people behind you. People who cherish you, who want to hear that you got home safe. But also know that you can let your hands shake. It’s okay to be bare in front of other people. Given the choice between a mask and the barren truth, let your hands shake. The mask is just a false reality. It’s your way of defending against the abuse you’ve endured. Give yourself grace to endure through it and be real with people.