Depression and mania: the wild ride

It’s a strange thing to have depression. That’s it, no funky causality between the color of the shirt of the guy at subway or anything. You feel heavy all the time. Like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You may have days where the weight is lifted. 

My good says are good. But on my bad days I work extra hard to make sure no one notices I’m struggling. On the bad days I am 68% more likely to go the extra mile painting my nails and making myself pretty just to try to feel alive.

“The ruin of me will be the birth of me and all that was chaos won’t have been in vain”

That’s what makes depression or in my case, manic depression, so dangerous. There are days I don’t want to eat. Or go outside. Or talk to people.

 There are days when I consider things that scare myself on the other days. This is the crazy part, I can hide all those parts of me away for the most part so the less able of the generations don’t have to deal with it. 

There are days when my self talk is all positive and upbeat, then the next hour I’m telling myself how stupid, weak and inferior I am because I can’t climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

“Stay out of your goddamn head”

This life spans the gap between one thing to the next, and I’m working to relearn self love. It’ll take time, but it’ll work out. Eventually.

“Being able to survive this pain doesn’t ever mean it was okay. “


When you become comfy being alone, you give yourself a chance to truly shine. You can be best seen when not in someone else’s shadow. You shine brilliantly, and deserve to be recognized for all you are. 

Being alone is not the end, darling. Nay, tis but the beginning. Being alone gives you the chance to realize that you are enough. Give yourself time. Realize there will be mistakes made, but better to make them while discovering how wonderful you are, then at any other time.

Two halves can’t make a whole. You don’t want to drag someone down with your shtuff. It will hurt, you will ugly cry more times than you can count, but you will heal. Say it with me. I. Can. Heal. You deserve to be wholly awesome by yourself.

Find your safety in yourself and then you might build with someone else. 

Stories old as time 

When someone accuses you of being abusive there are certain steps to take.
First evaluate your physical and emotional foot prints to ensure you are not in the wrong. You physical foot print should be only slightly bigger than your actual body. The emotional foot prints may be quite large but should never be at the expense of someone else. 

Second ponder if it’s you in the wrong or if the accuser has issues of their own. 

Third give the accuser space. Give them time out of your world to see if that’s what they actually desire. 

Not everyone can handle you and that’s okay. 

Reasons why this went south

1. You have animals that I can't be around.
2. You are a smoker. I'm an asthmatic. They don't mix.
3. You wanted me to be better than I was, not accepting who I currently am.
4. The rapidity with which you chose to meet me and get engaged proved that you don't know what you want.
5. You can't handle the fact that I may or may not have a mental illness.
6. You say I'm The one that lacks patience. But you practically fled for the hills as soon as stuff got difficult.
7. Why say all that lovey stuff to a stranger then bail out when things get tough
8. You supported me through a difficult time yet bring it up constantly almost on the daily. That's not fair.
9. You have a really super close relationship with your family. I think this is your way to get over the fact that people prejudge you because you're obese. But clinging to your little sister is uncomfortable.
10. You can't accept that you're unhealthy and a whole bunch overweight.
11. The fact that you walked out on me when I needed you most and was sick in bed, is abhorrent.

To be continued I'm sure

do you understand

Do you understand what a favor he did you by choosing one of us. I know it sucks, but you have to realize this for the gem that it is. He made a choice, and yes I would feel exactly this way if the decision had gone the other way. I would be broken and pissed just as you were/are. I think he made himself out to be a strong man in that instant though, for we have faced many hardships and he’s always there. I really appreciate the fact that everyone says how much happier he is with me than was with you, but at the same time I’m sure the same type of things are said about my and my ex-husband.

When you get upset about it, I hope you consider how much strength of character it took for him to stand up and say what he said. I hope you don’t like unkindly at me, for it wasn’t my fault. I hope you learn to forgive him for being a man caught in the moment.

Also I hope you learn to forgive yourself for not being what he needed. It’s okay that it took the turn it took because you have your perfect man out there somewhere. Please know I understand where you are coming from and I feel that you have every right to dislike me. I appreciate all you did to help him along the way, and I hope this won’t find you still harboring vengeful thoughts.


untitled 101

When life gets tough what do you do? When impossible things are asked where do you turn? What do you do when the simplistic existence you’ve built starts to crumble right before your eyes. What do you do when someone sees the darker sides of you and acknowledges their existence.

Surely you fight? But perhaps that’s not the answer this time. Perhaps instead you should resign yourself to playing the open book type and answer any questions asked, no matter how awk, or how painful they might be. Fighting yields good result at first, but it wears you down over time. No one was made to fight forever. Say that again. No one was made to fight forever. Even MMA fighters retire. Even fire fighters retire. No one was built to endure the smoke and haze of a fire for all their given days. I’m yet to find a 73 year old to take a swift kick to the ribs, or be able to block a fast maneuver. People retire so that new, fresh people can step up.

Now I’m in no way saying everyone should go retire tomorrow. I’m rather stating that laying down your sword sometimes isn’t the biggest evil out there. There are others to continue your fight, perhaps new battles to be won in your life. Give yourself the grace to “retire” from the pointless babble of your personal life.

This I know is TRUE

One day everything will make sense. One day the bells will stop tolling for this who were in our lives and left us. One day we will find peace in who we are and will learn to strive for who we can become. In this new revelation, things will become clear that were not so before. In this time of heavy transition, patience is important. Knowing that things will eventually come together, and make sense is invaluable to your personal peace. In this hell of a season you find yourself in, personal peace is extremely important. I know you may just want to jump on a plane and take off but things here need your attention. They require you to be present and in the moment as much as anything.


So even when you just want to call it quits and leave, know that there is a little girl watching you, rooting for her hero not to quit.Have faith and keep pushing.