Huge applause for the person who let me meet my dad after quite awhile last night. Even after our huge fight that afternoon, when we found ourselves in his area, you encouraged me to call him. I’ll be thankful to you for getting me jump started in his life. For everyone’s lives can be so fleeting, its important to be involved.
With the way things have gone the past few days, if i wasn’t resolved to accept shit as it comes I would be screwed. The best part is, I have a very supportive person in my corner, and I’m basically pushing him away. If he was a lesser man, who listened to the words I say and took them to heart, I would have been facing this incredibly impossible period of my life alone. I understand that I need to engage my family and friends more fully. Given the way things are going, with running into trouble and being abandoned by the perople I thought i could trust. It leaves me questioning many things. I need to trust myself and my decisions most fully during this period. I need to trust my team and bang out some good feelings. I know I’m not an easy person to live with, But when I love I love with all that i have to give. That is my Achilles heel, I love too much at the wrong times, and then I under love at the times when I should be pressing on full force to see a happy ending.
My happy ending is out there, it could even be closer then I think. I am resolved to keep fighting for it to come to fruition. That is my goal as of late.
I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’m afraid to miss something. The n I realize you’re not here with me, you no longer want to hear my stories. There is no part of Me to interest or excite you anymore.
And it breaks my soul.
You can survive a broken heart. Time heals all wounds. But a broken soul? That stuff is serious.
Listening to Dexter Freebish while cleaning a desk is my idea of idyllic Monday afternoon stuff. The way your personal issues can be disregarded as you furiously dust off a desk that probably hasn’t seen love for months, and has had two cats walking on it all the time is one of the highest highs out there. Also getting news that some would consider devastating and working through it like the champ you are proves something.
It proves that shit won’t keep you down and you will rise above it all to come out a bigger more beautiful butterfly. It proves that nothing can clip your wings, and if you damage a wing, you’ll dance your way to glory. It shows the world that despite setbacks you will rise and be awesome.
You want to put your hands in your pockets and pretend like they aren’t shaking. You want to be everything for everyone, as it always has been. But then on a whim, you run off with a guy, he sees through your bullshit walls and calls you out on your shit. You begin to think that this could be your new forever, and you forget some of the shit that’s happened to you. You feel like this could be a new start for you. But then the person begins to say things like “I think you need medication” “I think you are mentally ill”, and you see that maybe this person isn’t as golden as you believed. You are a strong person, but in two weeks this person has made you into someone who struggles to breathe on their own. They want you to be dependent on them, while professing how happy they are with your relationship as it is. When they begin to knock you around, calling it a “passionate display of affection” warning bells go off in your head. But you mute them, because you can’t trust your own brain, right? You lean into the abuse, feeling like this is the best it gets, and you wait for the pain to pass. You know it will, it’s just about outlasting the pain. Given the choice between this type of life and the one you had, lately you’ve been thinking about how much better your life was, but given your present circumstance, anything is better.
So put your hands in your pockets, if you need to collect yourself. Know that your storm will pass, and you will always have people behind you. People who cherish you, who want to hear that you got home safe. But also know that you can let your hands shake. It’s okay to be bare in front of other people. Given the choice between a mask and the barren truth, let your hands shake. The mask is just a false reality. It’s your way of defending against the abuse you’ve endured. Give yourself grace to endure through it and be real with people.
I want someone to be really romantically creepy with me. Like stalk me outside my bedroom window creepy. I want them to pursue me beyond a shadow of a doubt. To the point where observers say “they are infatuated with her”. My dream is like the movie, where someone stands outside my window with a boombox and note cards because they know that winning my heart is no easy task. It will take emotional fortitude and willingness to get shot down, at least a few times. In my pursuit of a new happiness, I will play hard to get as often as I need to, in order to get the point across that I’m not game with being played.
That’s not too much to ask, right? Having goals and dreams keeps life real, right? Setting the standards high will dissuade others from playing around with your heart.
My goals have changed once again, but that’s okay. Change is the ONLY constant in life. Those who promise to stay with you through hard times, will invariably leave. It’s the nature of the beast, everyone leaves. You have to learn to adjust to the tune that’s being played by life so you can stay in the driver’s seat and maintain control.
It’s truly up to you.
So in order to find this magical person, I’m going to change myself into what I would want to see, pursuing me. I will change myself so much that you won’t recognize me walking down the street. Change myself so much that when you come back, you don’t recognize the person I transformed into. A caterpillar has to turn to mush before transforming into a butterfly. So I’ll just break myself down and build myself back up.
So I have this cell phone, this really pretty silver cell phone, with a black silicon case. This cell phone refuses to give me a black screen, a restful screen. But I found this analogous to life itself. Life doesn’t tend to have an “off” switch. Our off switch seems to be death or when we are forced to sleep for a long time. Life just keeps pummeling us with problem after problem to which we must offer solutions so as to not become bogged down in the mire.