Hell in High Heels

You only see the beauty, never the pain

She (draft) — 2017/10/05

She (draft)

She was the girl with a broken heart.

She felt torn by everything life had done to her.

She had so much general knowledge, she genuinely wanted to believe she “had this”.

She loved with so much of her heart, she was unsure how she had a beat left.

She loved them as they came, douche bags, runaways, these were her people.

She wanted to be accepted. She longed to be given the grace she extended.

Just once she wanted no one to judge her on the way she said a certain word, or how she dressed.

She felt herself start to fade. To become someone she didn’t recognize.

She fought to keep the waves from pulling her under, fought to stay alive.

When she made the call it was simply to save her life. Yet there was no answer at the other end of the phone.

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Diagnosing the wind —

Diagnosing the wind

It’s difficult to say what causes people to NEED to hear a diagnosis. It makes me crazy that they want to slap a label on me and shuffle me back on the shelf.

Please realize, You are not a book to be discarded after one perusal. You are a magnificent shiny thing. If you have issues it is most likely due to negative influence in your life.It is CHEMICAL. It’s not your fault. None of us chose this road.

I would almost rather those people to just stay the heck away, because I know I am so much more than a Bipolar I diagnosis. I will become the wind, rain, and flame through all this. Med changes suck because they cause extreme tiredness, irritability, negative self thought, hallucinations, and sooo much more. This will be a good thing for me. I believe this.

Bipolar Disorder

Always. — 2017/09/22

Always.

Things change in the blink of an eye. Things are good then that fast it’s storming and hailing like all hell. What you have to realize is you have no control over the weather, you can only control your reaction to the weather.

If someone pitches a hissy fit, it’s not necessarily in your purview to sort out what their issue is, you just need to keep your reaction to their crap in line. Be the bigger person.

If someone brings up your disorder to use it against you, that their short coming, NOT yours. Give yourself grace, and walk away for a minute. Love yourself through your insanity and they will come around. Maybe in a while they will be able to hear how mean it was to say that.

Like when your father or mother does something wrong by you as a child, you have to move on and do better than they did to you. For me this goes deep. It will be handled in another post possibly.

The biggest point is that you can’t control the rain, other people’s actions, or how a fire will burn. You can predict certain things, but to a certain point your reaction need to be calm, cool, and collected, ESPECIALLY if the other is off the wall. Give them time to figure themselves out, remove yourself from the situation, and be a better man than your father. Always.

 

 

Her. — 2017/09/12

Her.

Her nail is polish is chipped. A sign to the inner turmoil she’s experienced.

Her music is loud. If it’s loud enough to bother someone else, may it be loud enough to make her feel.

Her clothes are grunge nation. She hopes that someone brings up the skulls and cross bones. Something to acknowledge that she is seen.

Her writing is a sloppy mess. Her thoughts come fragmented and incoherence reigns.

Her hair is hidden under a bandana, a signal that she can’t deal with this stuff more than anything.

Her…

Huge ups — 2017/05/12

Huge ups

Huge applause for the person who let me meet my dad after quite awhile last night. Even after our huge fight that afternoon, when we found ourselves in his area, you encouraged me to call him.  I’ll be thankful to you for getting me jump started in his life. For everyone’s lives can be so fleeting, its important to be involved.

 

The way life goes — 2017/04/03

The way life goes

With the way things have gone the past few days, if i wasn’t resolved to accept shit as it comes I would be screwed. The best part is, I have a very supportive person in my corner, and I’m basically pushing him away. If he was a lesser man, who listened to the words I say and took them to heart, I would have been facing this incredibly impossible period of my life alone. I understand that I need to engage my family and friends more fully. Given the way things are going, with running into trouble and being abandoned by the perople I thought i could trust. It leaves me questioning many things. I need to trust myself and my decisions most fully during this period. I need to trust my team and bang out some good feelings. I know I’m not an easy person to live with, But when I love I love with all that i have to give. That is my Achilles heel, I love too much at the wrong times, and then I under love at the times when I should be pressing on full force to see a happy ending.

My happy ending is out there, it could even be closer then I think. I am resolved to keep fighting for it to come to fruition. That is my goal as of late.

 

As I lay here — 2017/03/20

As I lay here

I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’m afraid to miss something. The n I realize you’re not here with me, you no longer want to hear my stories. There is no part of Me to interest or excite you anymore.

And it breaks my soul.

You can survive a broken heart. Time heals all wounds. But a broken soul? That stuff is serious.

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