Hell in High Heels

You only see the beauty, never the pain

She (draft) — 2017/10/05

She (draft)

She was the girl with a broken heart.

She felt torn by everything life had done to her.

She had so much general knowledge, she genuinely wanted to believe she “had this”.

She loved with so much of her heart, she was unsure how she had a beat left.

She loved them as they came, douche bags, runaways, these were her people.

She wanted to be accepted. She longed to be given the grace she extended.

Just once she wanted no one to judge her on the way she said a certain word, or how she dressed.

She felt herself start to fade. To become someone she didn’t recognize.

She fought to keep the waves from pulling her under, fought to stay alive.

When she made the call it was simply to save her life. Yet there was no answer at the other end of the phone.

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Always. — 2017/09/22

Always.

Things change in the blink of an eye. Things are good then that fast it’s storming and hailing like all hell. What you have to realize is you have no control over the weather, you can only control your reaction to the weather.

If someone pitches a hissy fit, it’s not necessarily in your purview to sort out what their issue is, you just need to keep your reaction to their crap in line. Be the bigger person.

If someone brings up your disorder to use it against you, that their short coming, NOT yours. Give yourself grace, and walk away for a minute. Love yourself through your insanity and they will come around. Maybe in a while they will be able to hear how mean it was to say that.

Like when your father or mother does something wrong by you as a child, you have to move on and do better than they did to you. For me this goes deep. It will be handled in another post possibly.

The biggest point is that you can’t control the rain, other people’s actions, or how a fire will burn. You can predict certain things, but to a certain point your reaction need to be calm, cool, and collected, ESPECIALLY if the other is off the wall. Give them time to figure themselves out, remove yourself from the situation, and be a better man than your father. Always.

 

 

Lucifer’s demise is much like daily life — 2017/06/01

Lucifer’s demise is much like daily life

Have you ever noticed how intense things can become so quickly. Like one moment you are fine, enjoying a parade or a festival, maybe a kickass band in your backyard. You think nothing could break this eternal feeling you have, this feeling that silently screams this is where i belong, where i want to be. Then two minutes later everything feels so topsy turvy with the band’s noise turning sour in your ears faster than you thought possible. You went from cloud nine to the pits of hell faster than Satan went through his righteous demise. Did you know he was God’s most favorite angel. He had the ear of the savior all the time. He might have run his new tunes by God the Almighty, just for kicks. Many times I think people discredit Lucifer  for “falling”: But can you imagine the power he had up there… To be able to CREATE noise to be heard by the ears of god. I know some simple musicians who can’t do that halfway, and yet they think they are simply the shit. Given the range and pitch of musical notes, the complexity of the mixture seen in them one can one imagine how much “playway” Lucifer had, and the instruments he got to play! I’m kind of jealous of the Fallen one for being that musically talented.

No one — 2017/05/02

No one

No one can make you cry. No one can truly make you smile either. Your happiness or sadness depends entirely on you as a person. You choose every day whether it will be a good day or a bad day.  You solely choose who to let enter your life, and you determine who gets to stay year after year. If the people in your life make you sad or upset on a regular basis, make better choices.

 

do you understand — 2017/04/27

do you understand

Do you understand what a favor he did you by choosing one of us. I know it sucks, but you have to realize this for the gem that it is. He made a choice, and yes I would feel exactly this way if the decision had gone the other way. I would be broken and pissed just as you were/are. I think he made himself out to be a strong man in that instant though, for we have faced many hardships and he’s always there. I really appreciate the fact that everyone says how much happier he is with me than was with you, but at the same time I’m sure the same type of things are said about my and my ex-husband.

When you get upset about it, I hope you consider how much strength of character it took for him to stand up and say what he said. I hope you don’t like unkindly at me, for it wasn’t my fault. I hope you learn to forgive him for being a man caught in the moment.

Also I hope you learn to forgive yourself for not being what he needed. It’s okay that it took the turn it took because you have your perfect man out there somewhere. Please know I understand where you are coming from and I feel that you have every right to dislike me. I appreciate all you did to help him along the way, and I hope this won’t find you still harboring vengeful thoughts.

 

untitled 101 — 2017/04/19

untitled 101

When life gets tough what do you do? When impossible things are asked where do you turn? What do you do when the simplistic existence you’ve built starts to crumble right before your eyes. What do you do when someone sees the darker sides of you and acknowledges their existence.

Surely you fight? But perhaps that’s not the answer this time. Perhaps instead you should resign yourself to playing the open book type and answer any questions asked, no matter how awk, or how painful they might be. Fighting yields good result at first, but it wears you down over time. No one was made to fight forever. Say that again. No one was made to fight forever. Even MMA fighters retire. Even fire fighters retire. No one was built to endure the smoke and haze of a fire for all their given days. I’m yet to find a 73 year old to take a swift kick to the ribs, or be able to block a fast maneuver. People retire so that new, fresh people can step up.

Now I’m in no way saying everyone should go retire tomorrow. I’m rather stating that laying down your sword sometimes isn’t the biggest evil out there. There are others to continue your fight, perhaps new battles to be won in your life. Give yourself the grace to “retire” from the pointless babble of your personal life.

This I know is TRUE — 2017/04/07

This I know is TRUE

One day everything will make sense. One day the bells will stop tolling for this who were in our lives and left us. One day we will find peace in who we are and will learn to strive for who we can become. In this new revelation, things will become clear that were not so before. In this time of heavy transition, patience is important. Knowing that things will eventually come together, and make sense is invaluable to your personal peace. In this hell of a season you find yourself in, personal peace is extremely important. I know you may just want to jump on a plane and take off but things here need your attention. They require you to be present and in the moment as much as anything.

 

So even when you just want to call it quits and leave, know that there is a little girl watching you, rooting for her hero not to quit.Have faith and keep pushing.

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