When life gets tough what do you do? When impossible things are asked where do you turn? What do you do when the simplistic existence you’ve built starts to crumble right before your eyes. What do you do when someone sees the darker sides of you and acknowledges their existence.
Surely you fight? But perhaps that’s not the answer this time. Perhaps instead you should resign yourself to playing the open book type and answer any questions asked, no matter how awk, or how painful they might be. Fighting yields good result at first, but it wears you down over time. No one was made to fight forever. Say that again. No one was made to fight forever. Even MMA fighters retire. Even fire fighters retire. No one was built to endure the smoke and haze of a fire for all their given days. I’m yet to find a 73 year old to take a swift kick to the ribs, or be able to block a fast maneuver. People retire so that new, fresh people can step up.
Now I’m in no way saying everyone should go retire tomorrow. I’m rather stating that laying down your sword sometimes isn’t the biggest evil out there. There are others to continue your fight, perhaps new battles to be won in your life. Give yourself the grace to “retire” from the pointless babble of your personal life.
With the way things have gone the past few days, if i wasn’t resolved to accept shit as it comes I would be screwed. The best part is, I have a very supportive person in my corner, and I’m basically pushing him away. If he was a lesser man, who listened to the words I say and took them to heart, I would have been facing this incredibly impossible period of my life alone. I understand that I need to engage my family and friends more fully. Given the way things are going, with running into trouble and being abandoned by the perople I thought i could trust. It leaves me questioning many things. I need to trust myself and my decisions most fully during this period. I need to trust my team and bang out some good feelings. I know I’m not an easy person to live with, But when I love I love with all that i have to give. That is my Achilles heel, I love too much at the wrong times, and then I under love at the times when I should be pressing on full force to see a happy ending.
My happy ending is out there, it could even be closer then I think. I am resolved to keep fighting for it to come to fruition. That is my goal as of late.
I want someone to be really romantically creepy with me. Like stalk me outside my bedroom window creepy. I want them to pursue me beyond a shadow of a doubt. To the point where observers say “they are infatuated with her”. My dream is like the movie, where someone stands outside my window with a boombox and note cards because they know that winning my heart is no easy task. It will take emotional fortitude and willingness to get shot down, at least a few times. In my pursuit of a new happiness, I will play hard to get as often as I need to, in order to get the point across that I’m not game with being played.
That’s not too much to ask, right? Having goals and dreams keeps life real, right? Setting the standards high will dissuade others from playing around with your heart.
My goals have changed once again, but that’s okay. Change is the ONLY constant in life. Those who promise to stay with you through hard times, will invariably leave. It’s the nature of the beast, everyone leaves. You have to learn to adjust to the tune that’s being played by life so you can stay in the driver’s seat and maintain control.
It’s truly up to you.
So in order to find this magical person, I’m going to change myself into what I would want to see, pursuing me. I will change myself so much that you won’t recognize me walking down the street. Change myself so much that when you come back, you don’t recognize the person I transformed into. A caterpillar has to turn to mush before transforming into a butterfly. So I’ll just break myself down and build myself back up.
I was created for disorder. I think I explained this at one point. Disorder has always played a key role in my life so I have no idea why I was blindsided by this event. This really wacked me out.
When you took me to the hospital it was one thing, I expected it, but when you abandoned me there, it was quite another. I was flabbergasted, but we had made no such “forever and always” promises to each other. As I sat in the ER I had a great deal of time to think about things, what I would have done differently, the ceiling tiles, and the color of my future house. I decided that I couldn’t hate you, that I had to set you free, I want to hate you, I want to hate everything and just give up, but there is simply too much to do in life. I can’t give up because one adventure turned sour. I can’t give up because I am not meant for one facet of life’s plan that seems to work for many people because even that is a facade for many. If some people can’t handle marriage, isn’t acknowledging that the most honest thing they can do, rather than keep getting married and wrecking lives in the process?
Maybe we will meet one day in the future and I’ll be a totally different person but by then you’ll probably have a family I don’t really know or care.