Huge applause for the person who let me meet my dad after quite awhile last night. Even after our huge fight that afternoon, when we found ourselves in his area, you encouraged me to call him. I’ll be thankful to you for getting me jump started in his life. For everyone’s lives can be so fleeting, its important to be involved.
Hey you, It’s been awhile since I touched base. I miss you so much, it’s astounding. It occurs to me that if you were still here I would have made more of an effort in many portions of my life and things might be different. For instance, I would have more people to talk to, see also anyone, and may not have gotten divorced. Or if it had happened I would have a person to pour my heart out to about the craziness that’s transpiring in my life right now. I could’ve told you how much it hurt that my ex husband got married and my family went to the wedding. Just having my best friend back.
As a kid, I always felt loved by you, difference is now, people aren’t beholden to love me or even accept me. It’s weird how things change with time. I miss you and how we used to go for little walks behind your house. I miss my cherry tomato plants and I miss how you always made me feel so safe. The fact that you are gone has nothing to do with the traumas I faced as a child, yet you were always my confidante during trying times.
I love you so much. Let’s talk soon.
I could regret my past. The people I left behind. But honestly I don’t though. I’ll sometimes give you a sideways glance and wonder if you think about me. Other than that, I’m doing really well, I’ve changed my priorities, and I’m doing so well with it all. I know what I want from life and they are things that you might have said were not possible. I know that and I’m moving on.
I know that I’m better for moving on and I know that I don’t have to wait up at night wondering if you’ll call. That gives me the freedom to live my life
I want everyone to experience this peace. The knowledge that they are their own source of everything they need. What people provide them is nothing compared to what they provide themselves.
That is the best thing about the experience I had when I was 17, and the resulting mistrust of people it placed in my heart. It taught me that only I can provide for myself and be the center of my emotional well-being. While I would never wish for someone to experience that trauma, I wish for everyone to reach the end of their reliance on others, so that they can rely fully on themselves to provide for their emotional needs.
Today I’ll leave you with this quote to sum up what I’ve talked about today.
“With forgiveness, your victim identity dissolves, and your true power emerges – the power of presence. Instead of blaming the darkness you bring in the light.“ Eckhart Tolle
So today is your birthday. Normally I guess I would have called and we’d have chatted about anything and everything. We’d have talked for a while and then hung up like it was no big deal. Before now I would never have treasured the sound of your voice which I insanely miss right now. You were the person I trusted, which is kind of ironic since there were some things you definitely couldn’t understand about my life. This trust was based on the fact that you were the person I knew the longest and you took me back to the simple days, of swings and mud pies.
I’m fairly sure our family was rather predictable when it came to getting you gifts for your birthday, Christmas, or whatever holiday came to bear. We loved that about our family, Routines cant be beaten by off the wall thinking and our routines had been set, and worked for us.
One of the things I’d want to make sure you knew if we could talk again, is how much I loved each minute we had. I adore you, even though you aren’t here anymore, just ask anyone. When I find a picture that you are in, I just become a happier version of myself.
You taught this bird how to fly, and I’ve built my wings now, and I’m honing my flight skills.
I love you.