I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’m afraid to miss something. The n I realize you’re not here with me, you no longer want to hear my stories. There is no part of Me to interest or excite you anymore.
And it breaks my soul.
You can survive a broken heart. Time heals all wounds. But a broken soul? That stuff is serious.
I want someone to be really romantically creepy with me. Like stalk me outside my bedroom window creepy. I want them to pursue me beyond a shadow of a doubt. To the point where observers say “they are infatuated with her”. My dream is like the movie, where someone stands outside my window with a boombox and note cards because they know that winning my heart is no easy task. It will take emotional fortitude and willingness to get shot down, at least a few times. In my pursuit of a new happiness, I will play hard to get as often as I need to, in order to get the point across that I’m not game with being played.
That’s not too much to ask, right? Having goals and dreams keeps life real, right? Setting the standards high will dissuade others from playing around with your heart.
My goals have changed once again, but that’s okay. Change is the ONLY constant in life. Those who promise to stay with you through hard times, will invariably leave. It’s the nature of the beast, everyone leaves. You have to learn to adjust to the tune that’s being played by life so you can stay in the driver’s seat and maintain control.
It’s truly up to you.
So in order to find this magical person, I’m going to change myself into what I would want to see, pursuing me. I will change myself so much that you won’t recognize me walking down the street. Change myself so much that when you come back, you don’t recognize the person I transformed into. A caterpillar has to turn to mush before transforming into a butterfly. So I’ll just break myself down and build myself back up.
I used to be so sure that I had a backup plan, if this fell through. Now if this falls through. I have no clue what would happen.* I realize that now, it both thrills and terrifies me, in the same note. Where did I go wrong that you left me behind, wanting nothing to do with the person I’ve become? Not that I’ve really depended on you these past years, biut there are some definite things that need cleared up before we can part ways, or you say “see you on the other side”. For people who said they would always be there for us, you really suck at this game of chess.
*Note: I am not planning for this to fall through.
So I have been thinking lately about the past, stuff that’s happened and the ways that I could’ve done things differently. What I have come to realize is that because the past taps you on the shoulder does not mean that you have to look back and relish it. I have some monsters in my past, just like everyone else. Some scary ugly monsters that I really am scared of if I choose to look them in the eyes, but if I don’t give them credence they aren’t quite as scary. That is what I have learned, if you keep running, your past can’t keep up with you, if you don’t talk about it, you can’t remember the sh*t that happened unless it comes up in nightmares or whatever. Give the nightmares attention, and yougive them power. Look it in the face and you give the stranger a face in the crowd. But if you don’t do those things neither have the chance to affect you.
“so keep your head above water and don’t forget to breathe”