Huge ups

Huge applause for the person who let me meet my dad after quite awhile last night. Even after our huge fight that afternoon, when we found ourselves in his area, you encouraged me to call him.  I’ll be thankful to you for getting me jump started in his life. For everyone’s lives can be so fleeting, its important to be involved.

 

No one

No one can make you cry. No one can truly make you smile either. Your happiness or sadness depends entirely on you as a person. You choose every day whether it will be a good day or a bad day.  You solely choose who to let enter your life, and you determine who gets to stay year after year. If the people in your life make you sad or upset on a regular basis, make better choices.

 

A journey that could have been

A silvery white gown, sequins studding the top and gloves she was wearing. A brilliant necklace of an infinity symbol(to signify the eternal significance of their love) was around her neck. On her feet she wore quaint gold slippers, property of her mother, her “something borrowed”. The gown is trimmed in a light blue, the color of the sky on a clear beautiful day (her something blue). On her hands she wore glove trimmed in gold. All the gold, a signature of the life they planned to have together. That of riches and glory, straight royalty.

When she walks in, she has a bouquet of white lilies and roses sprayed gold. The petals she glides on are gold and white as well. All eyes are on her in rapt attention for she was a work of the god’s artistry. As I think of this, I realize this woman could have been me. I could have had a prince so enthralled with me that he couldn’t take his eyes off me. But that dream has been swayed by the darkest of times.

Keep your chin up child, otherwise your crown falls. Wipe your tears child, lest your mascara runs. Free your feet of the shackles and dance. For you are free.

Stress and methods of coping

People have different ways of dealingwith stress. They will try to talk through it, some will will write stuff out and others try to hold the feelings inside til they bubble up and affect their lives. I am a mush of these types. I love the fact that Physical outlets uch as kickboxing and yoga exist. If not for this I would probably have gone batshit insane by now.

Any thoughts on meditation versus physical stress relievers and their impact on lives?

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Since the Incident

  1. I feel helpless.
  2. I don’t trust myself.
  3. I don’t want to be around large crowds or have my back unprotected.
  4. I need to be alone yet a want companionship
  5. Im afraid that what happened damaged my image at ncc
  6. Im actually afraid to be on campus
  7. This ruined my semester
  8. Ruined how I view myself
  9. Ruined others perspective
    1. Made me a victim, instead of someone strong
    2.  cant fix that until I can go back
  10. Brought back issues from the sexual shit
    1. Different experience sane motion
  11. Hind sight 20/20
    1. Know how to handle the situation now
    2. Deflection walk away shut up.

 

Keep your Head above Water

So I have been thinking lately about the past, stuff that’s happened and the ways that I could’ve done things differently. What I have come to realize is that because the past taps you on the shoulder does not mean that you have to look back and relish it. I have some monsters in my past, just like everyone else. Some scary ugly monsters that I really am scared of if I choose to look them in the eyes, but if I don’t give them credence they aren’t quite as scary. That is what I have learned, if you keep running, your past can’t keep up with you, if you don’t talk about it, you can’t remember the sh*t that happened unless it comes up in nightmares or whatever. Give the nightmares attention, and yougive them power. Look it in the face and you give the stranger a face in the crowd. But if you don’t do those things neither have the chance to affect you.

“so keep your head above water and don’t forget to breathe”