Hey you, It’s been awhile since I touched base. I miss you so much, it’s astounding. It occurs to me that if you were still here I would have made more of an effort in many portions of my life and things might be different. For instance, I would have more people to talk to, see also anyone, and may not have gotten divorced. Or if it had happened I would have a person to pour my heart out to about the craziness that’s transpiring in my life right now. I could’ve told you how much it hurt that my ex husband got married and my family went to the wedding. Just having my best friend back.
As a kid, I always felt loved by you, difference is now, people aren’t beholden to love me or even accept me. It’s weird how things change with time. I miss you and how we used to go for little walks behind your house. I miss my cherry tomato plants and I miss how you always made me feel so safe. The fact that you are gone has nothing to do with the traumas I faced as a child, yet you were always my confidante during trying times.
I love you so much. Let’s talk soon.
So today is your birthday. Normally I guess I would have called and we’d have chatted about anything and everything. We’d have talked for a while and then hung up like it was no big deal. Before now I would never have treasured the sound of your voice which I insanely miss right now. You were the person I trusted, which is kind of ironic since there were some things you definitely couldn’t understand about my life. This trust was based on the fact that you were the person I knew the longest and you took me back to the simple days, of swings and mud pies.
I’m fairly sure our family was rather predictable when it came to getting you gifts for your birthday, Christmas, or whatever holiday came to bear. We loved that about our family, Routines cant be beaten by off the wall thinking and our routines had been set, and worked for us.
One of the things I’d want to make sure you knew if we could talk again, is how much I loved each minute we had. I adore you, even though you aren’t here anymore, just ask anyone. When I find a picture that you are in, I just become a happier version of myself.
You taught this bird how to fly, and I’ve built my wings now, and I’m honing my flight skills.
I love you.
I couldn’t sleep last night, I was lost in thoughts of the times we used to spend at the park, at Longacres, and at Zerns. I realized what an empty hole there is now. I know I need to move on, I know this isn’t healthy, but part of me just wants to feel this ache in my soul. I want to remember the way you made me feel as a kid. Yesterday, at the thanksgiving dinner, I started thnking about jumping off your porch into your arms. I remembered how freeing that made me feel, total trust. These are the things I miss about our relationship. The things I need to find elsewhere. I know Grief takes time and whatnot… but it still stinks.
“and I miss you, and I wish you were here.”
I hate death. Just gunna throw that one out there. The only time death is good is when the person who dies was a terrible horrible person. The other time death is good is when it relieves pain. It was a good thing for death to occur, but death just sucks all the same. It was the end of one of my favorite people. My hero, my poppop was the man who provided me with stability in my life in an extremely unstable portion of time. Some of my favorite memories are as follows:
1. Jump off porch
2. Fish off the back porch and eat fish for dinner
3. Drive in the Chrysler
4. Willow tree
5. Go to the park
7. Coloring at the Kitchen table
9. Hide and seek
12. Kid Songs
13. Strawberry Patch
14. Longacres icecream
15. Cereal for Breakfast
16. Hickory park
17. Sprinkler on hot day
18. Climbing the tree on the side
19. Swinging out back
20. Ride the mower
21. Zoo trips