Safety 

When you become comfy being alone, you give yourself a chance to truly shine. You can be best seen when not in someone else’s shadow. You shine brilliantly, and deserve to be recognized for all you are. 

Being alone is not the end, darling. Nay, tis but the beginning. Being alone gives you the chance to realize that you are enough. Give yourself time. Realize there will be mistakes made, but better to make them while discovering how wonderful you are, then at any other time.

Two halves can’t make a whole. You don’t want to drag someone down with your shtuff. It will hurt, you will ugly cry more times than you can count, but you will heal. Say it with me. I. Can. Heal. You deserve to be wholly awesome by yourself.

Find your safety in yourself and then you might build with someone else. 

Lucifer’s demise is much like daily life

Have you ever noticed how intense things can become so quickly. Like one moment you are fine, enjoying a parade or a festival, maybe a kickass band in your backyard. You think nothing could break this eternal feeling you have, this feeling that silently screams this is where i belong, where i want to be. Then two minutes later everything feels so topsy turvy with the band’s noise turning sour in your ears faster than you thought possible. You went from cloud nine to the pits of hell faster than Satan went through his righteous demise. Did you know he was God’s most favorite angel. He had the ear of the savior all the time. He might have run his new tunes by God the Almighty, just for kicks. Many times I think people discredit Lucifer  for “falling”: But can you imagine the power he had up there… To be able to CREATE noise to be heard by the ears of god. I know some simple musicians who can’t do that halfway, and yet they think they are simply the shit. Given the range and pitch of musical notes, the complexity of the mixture seen in them

No one

No one can make you cry. No one can truly make you smile either. Your happiness or sadness depends entirely on you as a person. You choose every day whether it will be a good day or a bad day.  You solely choose who to let enter your life, and you determine who gets to stay year after year. If the people in your life make you sad or upset on a regular basis, make better choices.

 

This I know is TRUE

One day everything will make sense. One day the bells will stop tolling for this who were in our lives and left us. One day we will find peace in who we are and will learn to strive for who we can become. In this new revelation, things will become clear that were not so before. In this time of heavy transition, patience is important. Knowing that things will eventually come together, and make sense is invaluable to your personal peace. In this hell of a season you find yourself in, personal peace is extremely important. I know you may just want to jump on a plane and take off but things here need your attention. They require you to be present and in the moment as much as anything.

 

So even when you just want to call it quits and leave, know that there is a little girl watching you, rooting for her hero not to quit.Have faith and keep pushing.

Habanero style living

The key to getting good at anything is truly repetition. Giving yourself time to fail is pivotal in the learning experience. Granted it’s much easier to fail from the comfort of a two story farm house that is fully heated than from the bed of a Ford Escapade. One thing that helps me in times of failure is the knowledge that no matter what happens, music will be there to see me through my ordeal. If it’s simply too cold to move or think straight, turn on your head phones and be assured that Carrie Underwood understands. Granted when you are literally being kicked into the cold by the one person you thought was plugging for you, then things get a little dicey. But Dicey makes the flavor, right? You can’t have really hot Habaneros that are in their whole form, you gotta dice those suckers up into a beautiful array of super hotness. There will always be someone madder than you, someone in a worse position. Acknowledge that as you embrace the suck of your situation. Know yourself and how much you simply have all the necessary tools to get through this, and you’ll be just fine.

Hands in pockets

You want to put your hands in your pockets and pretend like they aren’t shaking. You want to be everything for everyone, as it always has been. But then on a whim, you run off with a guy, he sees through your bullshit walls and calls you out on your shit. You begin to think that this could be your new forever, and you forget some of the shit that’s happened to you. You feel like this could be a new start for you. But then the person begins to say things like “I think you need medication” “I think you are mentally ill”, and you see that maybe this person isn’t as golden as you believed. You are a strong person, but in two weeks this person has made you into someone who struggles to breathe on their own. They want you to be dependent on them, while professing how happy they are with your relationship as it is. When they begin to knock you around, calling it a “passionate display of affection” warning bells go off in your head. But you mute them, because you can’t trust your own brain, right? You lean into the abuse, feeling like this is the best it gets, and you wait for the pain to pass. You know it will, it’s just about outlasting the pain. Given the choice between this type of life and the one you had, lately you’ve been thinking about how much better your life was, but given your present circumstance, anything is better.

So put your hands in your pockets, if you need to collect yourself. Know that your storm will pass, and you will always have people behind you. People who cherish you, who want to hear that you got home safe. But also know that you can let your hands shake. It’s okay to be bare in front of other people. Given the choice between a mask and the barren truth, let your hands shake. The mask is just a false reality. It’s your way of defending against the abuse you’ve endured. Give yourself grace to endure through it and be real with people.

 

 

I want someone…

I want someone to be really romantically creepy with me. Like stalk me outside my bedroom window creepy. I want them to pursue me beyond a shadow of a doubt. To the point where observers say “they are infatuated with her”.  My dream is like the movie, where someone stands outside my window with a boombox and note cards because they know that winning my heart is no easy task. It will take emotional fortitude and willingness to get shot down, at least a few times. In my pursuit of a new happiness, I will play hard to get as often as I need to, in order to get the point across that I’m not game with being played.

That’s not too much to ask, right? Having goals and dreams keeps life real, right? Setting the standards high will dissuade others from playing around with your heart.

My goals have changed once again, but that’s okay. Change is the ONLY constant in life. Those who promise to stay with you through hard times, will invariably leave. It’s the nature of the beast, everyone leaves. You have to learn to adjust to the tune that’s being played by life so you can stay in the driver’s seat and maintain control.

It’s truly up to you.

So in order to find this magical person, I’m going to change myself into what I would want to see, pursuing me. I will change myself so much that you won’t recognize me walking down the street. Change myself so much that when you come back, you don’t recognize the person I transformed into. A caterpillar has to turn to mush before transforming into a butterfly. So I’ll just break myself down and build myself back up.