Have you ever noticed how intense things can become so quickly. Like one moment you are fine, enjoying a parade or a festival, maybe a kickass band in your backyard. You think nothing could break this eternal feeling you have, this feeling that silently screams this is where i belong, where i want to be. Then two minutes later everything feels so topsy turvy with the band’s noise turning sour in your ears faster than you thought possible. You went from cloud nine to the pits of hell faster than Satan went through his righteous demise. Did you know he was God’s most favorite angel. He had the ear of the savior all the time. He might have run his new tunes by God the Almighty, just for kicks. Many times I think people discredit Lucifer for “falling”: But can you imagine the power he had up there… To be able to CREATE noise to be heard by the ears of god. I know some simple musicians who can’t do that halfway, and yet they think they are simply the shit. Given the range and pitch of musical notes, the complexity of the mixture seen in them one can one imagine how much “playway” Lucifer had, and the instruments he got to play! I’m kind of jealous of the Fallen one for being that musically talented.
When life gets tough what do you do? When impossible things are asked where do you turn? What do you do when the simplistic existence you’ve built starts to crumble right before your eyes. What do you do when someone sees the darker sides of you and acknowledges their existence.
Surely you fight? But perhaps that’s not the answer this time. Perhaps instead you should resign yourself to playing the open book type and answer any questions asked, no matter how awk, or how painful they might be. Fighting yields good result at first, but it wears you down over time. No one was made to fight forever. Say that again. No one was made to fight forever. Even MMA fighters retire. Even fire fighters retire. No one was built to endure the smoke and haze of a fire for all their given days. I’m yet to find a 73 year old to take a swift kick to the ribs, or be able to block a fast maneuver. People retire so that new, fresh people can step up.
Now I’m in no way saying everyone should go retire tomorrow. I’m rather stating that laying down your sword sometimes isn’t the biggest evil out there. There are others to continue your fight, perhaps new battles to be won in your life. Give yourself the grace to “retire” from the pointless babble of your personal life.
With the way things have gone the past few days, if i wasn’t resolved to accept shit as it comes I would be screwed. The best part is, I have a very supportive person in my corner, and I’m basically pushing him away. If he was a lesser man, who listened to the words I say and took them to heart, I would have been facing this incredibly impossible period of my life alone. I understand that I need to engage my family and friends more fully. Given the way things are going, with running into trouble and being abandoned by the perople I thought i could trust. It leaves me questioning many things. I need to trust myself and my decisions most fully during this period. I need to trust my team and bang out some good feelings. I know I’m not an easy person to live with, But when I love I love with all that i have to give. That is my Achilles heel, I love too much at the wrong times, and then I under love at the times when I should be pressing on full force to see a happy ending.
My happy ending is out there, it could even be closer then I think. I am resolved to keep fighting for it to come to fruition. That is my goal as of late.
Well then that happens. You leave your house to go meet someone new, you think it won’t amount to much, so you take your head with you. You don’t take your phone charger cuz in your mind you’ll be right back to the house. But then a day goes by, then two, and you’re enthralled with this person. Your phone died last night and you were lucky he has a similar phone. You don’t want to come on too strong but it seems like magic between you, and it must be real cuz half the shit on the profile he read and liked was kind of fake. He won your heart when he took you to TWO, not one, TWO local wineries.
And when he gets jealous of your ex, you think it is so super cute you just can’t. Given the data you’ve acquired, he’s not ever going to label the magic between you. You wish there was a “magic” setting in the relationship status. You remember that time when you thought you had the world but that BOY left you and got married. A real man would’ve stuck with you, would’ve committed to you alone. When you think you have the world, to have it snatched away at the last second, it breaks you. You are brave for continuing to live, with enthusiasm.
Maybe this is your second (34th) chance. Your chance to explore new scenarios with someone who has seen life and knows it’s wacked out, but someone who accepts it for the wack that it is, and embraces new situations. He heard you worked in a bioengineering lab and immediately proposed science experiments, to wit you feel a connection, like an adventure is brewing. He knows about the surgeries and shit that has happened, doesn’t seem phased by it. Apparently he hadn’t known about the divorce… oops. That’s the kind of thing you don’t really emphasize anyway.
So today is your birthday. Normally I guess I would have called and we’d have chatted about anything and everything. We’d have talked for a while and then hung up like it was no big deal. Before now I would never have treasured the sound of your voice which I insanely miss right now. You were the person I trusted, which is kind of ironic since there were some things you definitely couldn’t understand about my life. This trust was based on the fact that you were the person I knew the longest and you took me back to the simple days, of swings and mud pies.
I’m fairly sure our family was rather predictable when it came to getting you gifts for your birthday, Christmas, or whatever holiday came to bear. We loved that about our family, Routines cant be beaten by off the wall thinking and our routines had been set, and worked for us.
One of the things I’d want to make sure you knew if we could talk again, is how much I loved each minute we had. I adore you, even though you aren’t here anymore, just ask anyone. When I find a picture that you are in, I just become a happier version of myself.
You taught this bird how to fly, and I’ve built my wings now, and I’m honing my flight skills.
I love you.
People have different ways of dealingwith stress. They will try to talk through it, some will will write stuff out and others try to hold the feelings inside til they bubble up and affect their lives. I am a mush of these types. I love the fact that Physical outlets uch as kickboxing and yoga exist. If not for this I would probably have gone batshit insane by now.
Any thoughts on meditation versus physical stress relievers and their impact on lives?
Given time I believe that anyone could go insane. I have been given time. I went through hell and thought I was doing well, I got some help, I figured I would get through it on my own, so to say. But three years later and now I’m lashing out at my friends, I’m starting to think badly about my self, and I’m starting to want to run away from everything. Things couldn’t be going better, yet I’m having panic attacks at work and I’m freaking out all the time on people I love with all my heart. After I do this, these people have no idea what to say or do. They don’t know how to act around me. It’s just not fair anymore. I really think I’m losing it. There’s this story I heard about this horse who was “flighty”. Someone tried to ride him and ended up getting seriously hurt. They never had the chance to bond. The moral of the story: If there’s a flighty portion of your life you’ll never have the chance to bond fully with it.
“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world. “