Hell in High Heels

You only see the beauty, never the pain

Then that happens — 2016/10/21

Then that happens

Well then that happens. You leave your house to go meet someone new, you think it won’t amount to much, so you take your head with you. You don’t take your phone charger cuz in your mind you’ll be right back to the house. But then a day goes by, then two, and you’re enthralled with this person. Your phone died last night and you were lucky he has a similar phone. You don’t want to come on too strong but it seems like magic between you, and it must be real cuz half the shit on the profile he read and liked was kind of fake. He won your heart when he took you to TWO, not one, TWO local wineries. 

 And when he gets jealous of your ex, you think it is so super cute you just can’t. Given the data you’ve acquired, he’s not ever going to label the magic between you. You wish there was a “magic” setting in the relationship status. You remember that time when you thought you had the world but that BOY left you and got married. A real man would’ve stuck with you, would’ve committed to you alone. When you think you have the world, to have it snatched away at the last second, it breaks you. You are brave for continuing to live, with enthusiasm. 

Maybe this is your second (34th) chance. Your chance to explore new scenarios with someone who has seen life and knows it’s wacked out, but someone who accepts it for the wack that it is, and embraces new situations. He heard you worked in a bioengineering lab and immediately proposed science experiments, to wit you feel a connection, like an adventure is brewing. He knows about the surgeries and shit that has happened, doesn’t seem phased by it. Apparently he hadn’t known about the divorce… oops. That’s the kind of thing you don’t really emphasize anyway.

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The Pudding — 2011/12/26

The Pudding

“I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down” (Lifehouse, Storm)

Christmas unleashes all kinds of crap pudding in everyone. We all wear masks of being comfortable in weird settings with people we only talk to a few times a year. But for me, it gets me going on many different levels,  I just wish I could pack myself and my hubby up during the fakehappy season of lights and go someplace where no one knows me.

Like for instance this Christmas, the family needed you, you said you’d be there. I didn’t talk to you, cuz you’re a lying SOB, but you told the rest of them you’d be there, and you lied to them. Who does that.? People who deserve to be outcasts. But maybe that’s what you want from us, you want us to push you away, so you’d be justified in what you’ve done this far in your own life. This is why I hate Christmas. Having to put on the happy face, pretending like I’m not missing people, wishing people were or weren’t there.

“Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface” (Lifehouse, Storm)

It gets melodic in the end. People go this way and that way, I act how I always do, they have no clue at the hell that rages on inside me. Melodically pursuing the normalcy that everyone else seems to be experiencing, while inside knowing that everyonw else thinks that im that normal person they are trying to be. People are frail.  They don’t know how frail others are either.

“And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself”  (Florence and the Machine Shake it out)

I’m super duper good at keeping my weakness hidden from others to the point that when my friends ask me how I am, I don’t trust them enough to tell them I’m sad, and my husband even has to pry the truth out of me. I just got used to going life on my own. If you only trust yourself, then you can’t be let down as readily. But when you’re married, you have to learn to trust, life becomes a two person job.  You’re supposed to share everything with the other person, something I struggle with because; I have a lot of troubles. So life has become a learning process.

“I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn” (Florence and the Machine Shake it out)

When you have good friends or someone to talk to in your life, it doesn’t have to get dark. Or at least you can have people with you in those hours. To tell you that they’ll be with you and that you’re safe.

Keep your Head above Water — 2011/07/04

Keep your Head above Water

So I have been thinking lately about the past, stuff that’s happened and the ways that I could’ve done things differently. What I have come to realize is that because the past taps you on the shoulder does not mean that you have to look back and relish it. I have some monsters in my past, just like everyone else. Some scary ugly monsters that I really am scared of if I choose to look them in the eyes, but if I don’t give them credence they aren’t quite as scary. That is what I have learned, if you keep running, your past can’t keep up with you, if you don’t talk about it, you can’t remember the sh*t that happened unless it comes up in nightmares or whatever. Give the nightmares attention, and yougive them power. Look it in the face and you give the stranger a face in the crowd. But if you don’t do those things neither have the chance to affect you.

“so keep your head above water and don’t forget to breathe”

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