Do you understand what a favor he did you by choosing one of us. I know it sucks, but you have to realize this for the gem that it is. He made a choice, and yes I would feel exactly this way if the decision had gone the other way. I would be broken and pissed just as you were/are. I think he made himself out to be a strong man in that instant though, for we have faced many hardships and he’s always there. I really appreciate the fact that everyone says how much happier he is with me than was with you, but at the same time I’m sure the same type of things are said about my and my ex-husband.
When you get upset about it, I hope you consider how much strength of character it took for him to stand up and say what he said. I hope you don’t like unkindly at me, for it wasn’t my fault. I hope you learn to forgive him for being a man caught in the moment.
Also I hope you learn to forgive yourself for not being what he needed. It’s okay that it took the turn it took because you have your perfect man out there somewhere. Please know I understand where you are coming from and I feel that you have every right to dislike me. I appreciate all you did to help him along the way, and I hope this won’t find you still harboring vengeful thoughts.
When life gets tough what do you do? When impossible things are asked where do you turn? What do you do when the simplistic existence you’ve built starts to crumble right before your eyes. What do you do when someone sees the darker sides of you and acknowledges their existence.
Surely you fight? But perhaps that’s not the answer this time. Perhaps instead you should resign yourself to playing the open book type and answer any questions asked, no matter how awk, or how painful they might be. Fighting yields good result at first, but it wears you down over time. No one was made to fight forever. Say that again. No one was made to fight forever. Even MMA fighters retire. Even fire fighters retire. No one was built to endure the smoke and haze of a fire for all their given days. I’m yet to find a 73 year old to take a swift kick to the ribs, or be able to block a fast maneuver. People retire so that new, fresh people can step up.
Now I’m in no way saying everyone should go retire tomorrow. I’m rather stating that laying down your sword sometimes isn’t the biggest evil out there. There are others to continue your fight, perhaps new battles to be won in your life. Give yourself the grace to “retire” from the pointless babble of your personal life.
With the way things have gone the past few days, if i wasn’t resolved to accept shit as it comes I would be screwed. The best part is, I have a very supportive person in my corner, and I’m basically pushing him away. If he was a lesser man, who listened to the words I say and took them to heart, I would have been facing this incredibly impossible period of my life alone. I understand that I need to engage my family and friends more fully. Given the way things are going, with running into trouble and being abandoned by the perople I thought i could trust. It leaves me questioning many things. I need to trust myself and my decisions most fully during this period. I need to trust my team and bang out some good feelings. I know I’m not an easy person to live with, But when I love I love with all that i have to give. That is my Achilles heel, I love too much at the wrong times, and then I under love at the times when I should be pressing on full force to see a happy ending.
My happy ending is out there, it could even be closer then I think. I am resolved to keep fighting for it to come to fruition. That is my goal as of late.
I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’m afraid to miss something. The n I realize you’re not here with me, you no longer want to hear my stories. There is no part of Me to interest or excite you anymore.
And it breaks my soul.
You can survive a broken heart. Time heals all wounds. But a broken soul? That stuff is serious.
Listening to Dexter Freebish while cleaning a desk is my idea of idyllic Monday afternoon stuff. The way your personal issues can be disregarded as you furiously dust off a desk that probably hasn’t seen love for months, and has had two cats walking on it all the time is one of the highest highs out there. Also getting news that some would consider devastating and working through it like the champ you are proves something.
It proves that shit won’t keep you down and you will rise above it all to come out a bigger more beautiful butterfly. It proves that nothing can clip your wings, and if you damage a wing, you’ll dance your way to glory. It shows the world that despite setbacks you will rise and be awesome.
You want to put your hands in your pockets and pretend like they aren’t shaking. You want to be everything for everyone, as it always has been. But then on a whim, you run off with a guy, he sees through your bullshit walls and calls you out on your shit. You begin to think that this could be your new forever, and you forget some of the shit that’s happened to you. You feel like this could be a new start for you. But then the person begins to say things like “I think you need medication” “I think you are mentally ill”, and you see that maybe this person isn’t as golden as you believed. You are a strong person, but in two weeks this person has made you into someone who struggles to breathe on their own. They want you to be dependent on them, while professing how happy they are with your relationship as it is. When they begin to knock you around, calling it a “passionate display of affection” warning bells go off in your head. But you mute them, because you can’t trust your own brain, right? You lean into the abuse, feeling like this is the best it gets, and you wait for the pain to pass. You know it will, it’s just about outlasting the pain. Given the choice between this type of life and the one you had, lately you’ve been thinking about how much better your life was, but given your present circumstance, anything is better.
So put your hands in your pockets, if you need to collect yourself. Know that your storm will pass, and you will always have people behind you. People who cherish you, who want to hear that you got home safe. But also know that you can let your hands shake. It’s okay to be bare in front of other people. Given the choice between a mask and the barren truth, let your hands shake. The mask is just a false reality. It’s your way of defending against the abuse you’ve endured. Give yourself grace to endure through it and be real with people.
I used to be so sure that I had a backup plan, if this fell through. Now if this falls through. I have no clue what would happen.* I realize that now, it both thrills and terrifies me, in the same note. Where did I go wrong that you left me behind, wanting nothing to do with the person I’ve become? Not that I’ve really depended on you these past years, biut there are some definite things that need cleared up before we can part ways, or you say “see you on the other side”. For people who said they would always be there for us, you really suck at this game of chess.
*Note: I am not planning for this to fall through.