Hell in High Heels

You only see the beauty, never the pain

Huge ups — 2017/05/12

Huge ups

Huge applause for the person who let me meet my dad after quite awhile last night. Even after our huge fight that afternoon, when we found ourselves in his area, you encouraged me to call him.  I’ll be thankful to you for getting me jump started in his life. For everyone’s lives can be so fleeting, its important to be involved.

 

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do you understand — 2017/04/27

do you understand

Do you understand what a favor he did you by choosing one of us. I know it sucks, but you have to realize this for the gem that it is. He made a choice, and yes I would feel exactly this way if the decision had gone the other way. I would be broken and pissed just as you were/are. I think he made himself out to be a strong man in that instant though, for we have faced many hardships and he’s always there. I really appreciate the fact that everyone says how much happier he is with me than was with you, but at the same time I’m sure the same type of things are said about my and my ex-husband.

When you get upset about it, I hope you consider how much strength of character it took for him to stand up and say what he said. I hope you don’t like unkindly at me, for it wasn’t my fault. I hope you learn to forgive him for being a man caught in the moment.

Also I hope you learn to forgive yourself for not being what he needed. It’s okay that it took the turn it took because you have your perfect man out there somewhere. Please know I understand where you are coming from and I feel that you have every right to dislike me. I appreciate all you did to help him along the way, and I hope this won’t find you still harboring vengeful thoughts.

 

The way life goes — 2017/04/03

The way life goes

With the way things have gone the past few days, if i wasn’t resolved to accept shit as it comes I would be screwed. The best part is, I have a very supportive person in my corner, and I’m basically pushing him away. If he was a lesser man, who listened to the words I say and took them to heart, I would have been facing this incredibly impossible period of my life alone. I understand that I need to engage my family and friends more fully. Given the way things are going, with running into trouble and being abandoned by the perople I thought i could trust. It leaves me questioning many things. I need to trust myself and my decisions most fully during this period. I need to trust my team and bang out some good feelings. I know I’m not an easy person to live with, But when I love I love with all that i have to give. That is my Achilles heel, I love too much at the wrong times, and then I under love at the times when I should be pressing on full force to see a happy ending.

My happy ending is out there, it could even be closer then I think. I am resolved to keep fighting for it to come to fruition. That is my goal as of late.

 

Cry — 2012/09/29
The Pudding — 2011/12/26

The Pudding

“I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down” (Lifehouse, Storm)

Christmas unleashes all kinds of crap pudding in everyone. We all wear masks of being comfortable in weird settings with people we only talk to a few times a year. But for me, it gets me going on many different levels,  I just wish I could pack myself and my hubby up during the fakehappy season of lights and go someplace where no one knows me.

Like for instance this Christmas, the family needed you, you said you’d be there. I didn’t talk to you, cuz you’re a lying SOB, but you told the rest of them you’d be there, and you lied to them. Who does that.? People who deserve to be outcasts. But maybe that’s what you want from us, you want us to push you away, so you’d be justified in what you’ve done this far in your own life. This is why I hate Christmas. Having to put on the happy face, pretending like I’m not missing people, wishing people were or weren’t there.

“Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface” (Lifehouse, Storm)

It gets melodic in the end. People go this way and that way, I act how I always do, they have no clue at the hell that rages on inside me. Melodically pursuing the normalcy that everyone else seems to be experiencing, while inside knowing that everyonw else thinks that im that normal person they are trying to be. People are frail.  They don’t know how frail others are either.

“And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself”  (Florence and the Machine Shake it out)

I’m super duper good at keeping my weakness hidden from others to the point that when my friends ask me how I am, I don’t trust them enough to tell them I’m sad, and my husband even has to pry the truth out of me. I just got used to going life on my own. If you only trust yourself, then you can’t be let down as readily. But when you’re married, you have to learn to trust, life becomes a two person job.  You’re supposed to share everything with the other person, something I struggle with because; I have a lot of troubles. So life has become a learning process.

“I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn” (Florence and the Machine Shake it out)

When you have good friends or someone to talk to in your life, it doesn’t have to get dark. Or at least you can have people with you in those hours. To tell you that they’ll be with you and that you’re safe.

Ode to reality — 2011/11/26

Ode to reality

She goes to pick up the phone to call you before she remembers that it was you who yelled at her about not picking up her phone in the first place. Someone who loves someone else does not do that. You would know that if you had any common sense. IF you wanted her in your life you would have the decency to give half a shot at this relationship. But you’re just a slacker who is more than content to let the girl do all the work. While you sit in wonder and just let everyone around you do all the work. She has to lie to your elderly father to save face. It is not fair to expect others to do these things for you. Liven up a bit please.

It was youwho promised the little girl you’d take her out for ice cream and never showed up. You said you’d take her to the movies, to get a doll, she’d watch the clock for hours, she’d hear the cars pass outside and run to the window, just to be crushed. Later she stopped caring. Then youdid this again. You said that youwould come around for a holiday and you never showed up. Whatever gave you that right, to open up a wound that deep and close to her heart?

the heart of the operation — 2011/05/23

the heart of the operation

I’m nervous about tomorrow. I’m scared that this meeting will open old wounds and bring up old hurts and keep me awake at night. I’m doing this because I need closure. I need to know that I’m doing everything I can to get what I can to finish this once and for all. I need to get everything I deserve. I want to know that this is what is best for me and for the people I love. I want to find out what makes me tick and what makes my heart break, again. I want to rediscover me. I need this, to know people again.

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