All of my kindness is taken for weakness

That time you meet the love of your life and his family and you realize that his relationship with them is what you’ve been missing your whole life. How you find yourself cutely jealous of the way he talks to his baby sister every day, and how his dad calls him randomly. You realize that you miss those connected moments. And you see that it is what you desire to have in your life.

That time when the love of your life decides randomly at 10 at night that you are going to organize HIS storage container, when all YOU want to do is cuddle up and watch a movie, then life gets tough. Lucky you are both adults and apparently well capable of operating individually.

That time when you just want to give him some news and he’s sleeping, but he acknowledges you. Then when he “wakes up” says he has no recollection of the conversation.

More to follow I’m sure.

I think I lost my mind, I might do a little time.

 

What do you do

What do you do when your Prince might not be the one? What action do you take when your dreams may not come true. When you feel so alone you can’t breathe, and your heart is just squished for room to beat, you know that there is one thing that is always true.

It is wholly in your control. To give up or kick the stuffing out of the situation, it’s all up to you. When your worst nightmares might come true, as hard as you fight the tide, then you just let the Future take control. Allow yourself the space and time to embrace the chaos.

untitled 101

When life gets tough what do you do? When impossible things are asked where do you turn? What do you do when the simplistic existence you’ve built starts to crumble right before your eyes. What do you do when someone sees the darker sides of you and acknowledges their existence.

Surely you fight? But perhaps that’s not the answer this time. Perhaps instead you should resign yourself to playing the open book type and answer any questions asked, no matter how awk, or how painful they might be. Fighting yields good result at first, but it wears you down over time. No one was made to fight forever. Say that again. No one was made to fight forever. Even MMA fighters retire. Even fire fighters retire. No one was built to endure the smoke and haze of a fire for all their given days. I’m yet to find a 73 year old to take a swift kick to the ribs, or be able to block a fast maneuver. People retire so that new, fresh people can step up.

Now I’m in no way saying everyone should go retire tomorrow. I’m rather stating that laying down your sword sometimes isn’t the biggest evil out there. There are others to continue your fight, perhaps new battles to be won in your life. Give yourself the grace to “retire” from the pointless babble of your personal life.

Give Me A Chance

Give me a chance to shine. Give me a chance to prove that I can be unselfish. Let me prove that Future Sara can do this whole “loving caring thing” down. Failure is simply not an option. At this juncture I will succeed. I want this more than anything. I want this love more than anything. I want this man and relationship more than anything. I feel that this could work. I believe in the mission of making Future Sara happy.

You see there are three personal stages. Present You is the person you are today, who was shaped by Past You. The mistakes and successes made by Past You should be admired and admitted as such. It was a stepping stone to Future you, or who you may be tomorrow or further in the future.

Never cried

I never acknowledged the loss that wracked my life a few weeks ago. I never owned the burning pain of suction tools or the blood loss that’s prevalent in my life. I don’t talk about it because it’s not a part of my future. I did it to make Future Sara happy, which is the primary goal right now. I need to acknowledge how distraught I feel right now. Owning the emotion, per sey. I know that this was the best move, but it’s still a part of me. Given the way life has gone, I will take the pain and repercussions that result from it. I want to be better, so that this never happens again. I want to be the Sara I know is out there somewhere. Perhaps I’ll meld my Sara from another universe into something that works here and now.

The bigger braver Sara that can handle all this stuff.

The way life goes

With the way things have gone the past few days, if i wasn’t resolved to accept shit as it comes I would be screwed. The best part is, I have a very supportive person in my corner, and I’m basically pushing him away. If he was a lesser man, who listened to the words I say and took them to heart, I would have been facing this incredibly impossible period of my life alone. I understand that I need to engage my family and friends more fully. Given the way things are going, with running into trouble and being abandoned by the perople I thought i could trust. It leaves me questioning many things. I need to trust myself and my decisions most fully during this period. I need to trust my team and bang out some good feelings. I know I’m not an easy person to live with, But when I love I love with all that i have to give. That is my Achilles heel, I love too much at the wrong times, and then I under love at the times when I should be pressing on full force to see a happy ending.

My happy ending is out there, it could even be closer then I think. I am resolved to keep fighting for it to come to fruition. That is my goal as of late.

 

As I lay here

I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’m afraid to miss something. The n I realize you’re not here with me, you no longer want to hear my stories. There is no part of Me to interest or excite you anymore.

And it breaks my soul.

You can survive a broken heart. Time heals all wounds. But a broken soul? That stuff is serious.