Hell in High Heels

You only see the beauty, never the pain

What it feels like — 2017/08/26

What it feels like

There’s a song that says this is what it feels like to lose control. This is what it feels like to be left alone. I figured out that it doesn’t matter what it feels like it matters what you do with that feeling. So if you can handle the feeling alone or losing control then you’re in the winning circle. It’s all about maintaining control in the midst of Chaos. It’s like when your family tells you can’t go somewhere because your ex will be there. It’s the Heartbreak and anguish that you feel having him be choosing over you.

This is what it feels like to lose control should be left alone this is what it feels like in the end.

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To all my exes  (an open letter: — 2017/08/22
Depression and mania: the wild ride — 2017/08/21

Depression and mania: the wild ride

It’s a strange thing to have depression. That’s it, no funky causality between the color of the shirt of the guy at subway or anything. You feel heavy all the time. Like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You may have days where the weight is lifted.

My good says are good. But on my bad days I work extra hard to make sure no one notices I’m struggling. On the bad days I am 68% more likely to go the extra mile painting my nails and making myself pretty just to try to feel alive.

“The ruin of me will be the birth of me and all that was chaos won’t have been in vain”

That’s what makes depression or in my case, manic depression, so dangerous. There are days I don’t want to eat. Or go outside. Or talk to people.

There are days when I consider things that scare myself on the other days. This is the crazy part, I can hide all those parts of me away for the most part so the less able of the generations don’t have to deal with it.

There are days when my self talk is all positive and upbeat, then the next hour I’m telling myself how stupid, weak and inferior I am because I can’t climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

“Stay out of your goddamn head”

This life spans the gap between one thing to the next, and I’m working to relearn self love. It’ll take time, but it’ll work out. Eventually.

“Being able to survive this pain doesn’t ever mean it was okay. ”

Safety  — 2017/08/20

Safety 

When you become comfy being alone, you give yourself a chance to truly shine. You can be best seen when not in someone else’s shadow. You shine brilliantly, and deserve to be recognized for all you are. 

Being alone is not the end, darling. Nay, tis but the beginning. Being alone gives you the chance to realize that you are enough. Give yourself time. Realize there will be mistakes made, but better to make them while discovering how wonderful you are, then at any other time.

Two halves can’t make a whole. You don’t want to drag someone down with your shtuff. It will hurt, you will ugly cry more times than you can count, but you will heal. Say it with me. I. Can. Heal. You deserve to be wholly awesome by yourself.

Find your safety in yourself and then you might build with someone else. 

— 2017/08/13

So o just thought you should know I’m taking steps to become a better person. I have not been remotely promiscuous with anyone since you were with me. I think we became toxic for each other, maybe we always were. I’m getting help with my “emotional issues” to see that I can handle anything that comes at me. I have confidence in myself and my ability to handle life in general.

In fact it’s so simple…

Level headed woman — 2017/08/12

Level headed woman

You tell me all the time to level with you. You want me to be more transparent. 

So here that goes. I’m in so much pain right now yet I’m trying to smile like it’s not bothering me and all that because I hold to the addage that someone has it worse. I know that my heart may be shattered but it has been shattered before and I’ve been fine. I’ll use this time to recreate myself into who I want to be. 

I’ll use these solo days to remind myself of the things I used to know, like I am good enough. In my weakness and imperfection I knock the socks off of who I was supposed to be. I will hold onto that and take comfort that the lonely nights can’t last forever.

I don’t want to be a statistic. I know people make promises I should know not to trust them. But I fucked up. 

Mission from henceforth will be to become solo Sara. Wholly complete and happy 

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